Where chaos stops and more chaos ensues. Where Filia plays the electric keyboard.
Where anything goes.
-//o_O\\7 *Home of the Awful, Mediocre and Pathetic* -//u_u\\7
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Where chaos stops and more chaos ensues. Where Filia plays the electric keyboard. Where anything goes. -//o_O\\7 *Home of the Awful, Mediocre and Pathetic* -//u_u\\7 |
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Saturday, February 28, 2004 Ooh ... February 29. The day that only comes once every four years. How idiotic. Here is the story of Feburary 29, written by me and created with the help of numerous sources, such as Microsoft Encarta, Encyclopedia Brittanica, and miscellaneous otherwise unknown internet sources. So it begins. By the way, all the lame jokes and comments are property of me, no question about that, although if you copy them I don't see how (or why) in the world I would be able to prosecute you. Once upon a time, the ancient Egyptians who worshipped the Sun as the highest god of all, Ra, decided to base their calendar around the sun! Because the sun was always there, and didn't disappear or change into weird shapes like the moon often does. Or maybe that was because the ancient Egyptians enjoyed consistency and regularity and built their calendar around something that was the same rather than the way in which something else changed in a pattern, and the pyramids too, for example. Anyway, the rest of the world was using a lunar calendar, like us Chinese sitting halfway across the world, so you could say the ancient Egyptians were en-lightened. Haha. As we can tell from Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra and other similarly related literature, Julius Caesar had a thing about Egyptians, in particular their most darling queen Cleopatra. And so he was enchanted, and changed the Romans' lunar calendar to a solar one. Hooray (hooray?)! The Roman lunar calendar was based on a ten month cycle of thirty days, with extra days added in now and then and occasionally an entire month at one go, to make sure that all of the holidays stayed in the same season. For example, if Happy Roman Harvest Day (er, if you didn't get that, that's just a joke) fell on the Ides of September, in a quite a few years time they might end up in the middle of June, and that doesn't make sense. Unfortunately, the evil little Roman fellows in charge of setting the calendar decided to throw in days and months arbitrarily, with no thanks to bribes from corrupt mayors and officials to screw around with elections and stuff. That comes from Microsoft Encarta. Never would have thought of that, would you? January and February were stuck in some time earlier when the Romans unscrupulously grabbed the calendar from the vanquished Greeks, as you can tell they are Roman names, and in the Roman regularity all months had either twenty-nine or thirty days. What Julius did was to donate a little of the extra days in the "bonus month" to each regular month, so that all the months became longer and the variable was reduced to just one day, which was our beloved February 29! Why in the world February was left with still only twenty-eight days regularly is beyond me. Perhaps Julius wasn't too fond of people named Februarus. And that was the Julian calendar! In due course, naturally, those feckless bootlicking Romans decided to rename what was formerly the fifth month (before January and February were added), Quintilis, to July for Julius, while Sextilis was renamed August for our good friend Augustus Caesar. And as to why the first, second, third and fourth months were named March, April, May, and June, don't ask me because I haven't the slightest idea. I got confused about the Gregorian calendar. It was put into place because the Julian calendar, at 365? days a year, was slightly longer than a real solar year, and strange things started happening like Christmas occuring when the leaves were still falling. Well, okay, maybe not that bad, but basically Pope Gregory XIII wanted the equinox to fall on the same day as it did years ago so, again the geometric sort, decided to push the calendar forward ten days to make up for it. In order to prevent this from happening again, he also decreed that all century years not divisible by 400 not be leap years. So that means that while 1896 and 1904 were leap years and Olympic years (1896 being the first Olympics ever) 1900 was an Olympic year, but wasn't a leap year. Hmm ... interesting. Here is the math for you. Normally, there are 100 leap years every 400 years (400/4, right?). By cutting out February 29 once ever 400 years, you have the effect of reducing the 400 year period by (60*60*24) 86400 seconds, or if averaged, (86400/400) 216 seconds a year. That's three minutes and thirty-six seconds. So, if a Julian year is 365? days long, or (86400*365?) 31557600 seconds long, a Gregorian year would be (31557600-216) 31557384 seconds long. That's (31557384/86400) 365.2475 days in a year, or as a fraction, 365 99/400 days long. You didn't need a calculator to figure out that last one, did you? Right, so the calendar works. So what's wrong with it that I really want to rant about (what? you mean she hasn't even got to the rant yet?)? Well ... it's the whole injustice of February 29. Why in the world is February stuck with twenty-eight days while the other months are well off having at least two more days on most occasions? Did Februarus really do something to irritate Julius? Who knows? But it should be fixed (and, like everything Charlotte rants about, it never will ... until I become pope, maybe). Here's my idea. There are 365 days in a normal year. Most months have 31 days, other have 30 days, and February is stuck with 28 days. A simple average would say that for each month to be of an equal length, each month should be (365/12) 30.41(6 recurring) days long, or as a fraction 30 5/12. But that's impossible, unless you want to go out living 5/12 of a day. Plus it'd do heck to your biological clock. Therefore, some months should have 31, and others should have 30, since they're the integers before and after 30 5/12. As you can see, there are 5 extra days. We should therefore hand out the 5 days to the most deserving months, like ... well ... you choose how deferential you want to be to the Romans, or to Februarus. An alternative solution would be to do it like the French Revolutionary Calendar, where the extra days are declared Sans-Culottides, or since we are disgusting middle-class bourgeois folk who think that those disgruntled beggars should be put to the wall and shot, Bourgeoisdes (ick). That would be helpful, as you could just stick the extra day every leap year (hitherto February 29, the disgusting thing) to those five, like they did for 1792 (since the French Revolutionary calendar didn't exist in 1792, but referred to it, and by 1796 it was gone). The problem? Probably as to which months between which to stick those five days. For us hardworking and business-minded Singaporeans, five whole days of celebration probably sounds like a concept too farfetched to even comprehend. So which solution is better? Frankly, I can't be bothered to answer that, since no one is ever going to listen to me and add more days to February. Plus, there are lots more calendars out there in the world, like the Muslim calendar, and the Hindu calendar, and the Chinese lunar calendar, and no way am I ever going to even bother to touch on those. So February 29, like Christmas, and New Year's Day, and Valentine's Day (the horrors!) is here to stay. Blast it all. By the way, happy birthday, you overgrown February 29 infants of years past, and congratulations to all new infants born this year for never being able to celebrate more birthdays during the time when you actually enjoy them. Ah, too bad. posted by Charlotte | 3:56 pm (0) comments Friday, February 27, 2004 Right, a-hah! It's time for my usual break from babbling and warbling about stories. However, since I've given up ... er, I mean, I'm not going to attempt any more reviews of FF, I've decided that this time I'll not post the crap that I've written but refer you to some rather hilarious stuff written by someone else. You see, having waxed and washed the FF series from IV to IX, as well as completed both Tactics and Advance, one of my most favourite activities online is searching for fanfiction that offers the alternative viewpoints of fans all over the world, which I particularly enjoy reading because I'm either too cowardly or too inadequate to actually go out and write my own. Anyway, I don't want to encounter the hordes of angry reviewers which some badly-written fiction (heck, I don't even know what defines badly-written) garners ... if you need an explanation for that just look some Harry Potter writings ... and the various diatribes expressed by dissatisfied hordes of extremist, straight-laced reviewers. Well, of course some fiction (like those that kill everybody, or have people talking nonsense, or spewing vulgarities non-stop) deserve it, but there are others which are neatly paragraphed, are sensible and interesting, and yet people out there don't like them. Well. That's why I don't read serious fanfiction. Ever. Because people who try their best to be serious ultimately end up having the most serious reviews, and I mean serious as in 'severe'. I only read the Humour section, and the Parody section if Humour isn't enough. So much for a wide range of reads! Anyway, because I can't be bothered to create anything original this time round, I hereby recommend you to a rather interesting list I found on the internet that poses a list of unanswered RPG questions ... and their 'suggested' answers. Note that most of these questions seem to deal with FF and its contemporaries Chrono Trigger and Xenogears, even though that's only one line of RPGs from Japan ... and there's also all those from America. Here's the link, and I've copy-pasted some of the more relevant (and funny!) ones for you to read. Of course, there are more, so go load up the website and read them for yourself. http://www.sonic.net/~jared/gia/100Questions.html 1. Climbing up to the Midgar plate requires a swing across a stick. This stick is in a state of perpetual motion. How is this possible? (FF7) Square has become so mindbogglingly powerful that they no longer feel obligated to obey the laws of thermodynamics. An array of perpetual motion bobbing birds power the stick back and forth. 4. Who is Dycedarg's elder brother? (FFT) Brother's and sisters have I none; Dycedarg's brother is his younger one. 10. What is the difference between 2 big slugs and 1 big slug and 1 big slug? (DQ/W 2) The 2 big slugs attack you with tag-team slug action, while the 1 big slug and 1 big slug are inefficient and uncoordinated. 12. Why does Square's logo feature a triangle? Because a square "A" would look pretty stupid, wouldn't it. 13. Why was the steamship built with moving platform puzzles? (FF5) The steamship was built by hyper-intelligent alien lifeforms in a pique of boredom one afternoon. They like to watch humans run around and flip switches. It amuses them. 19. When Celes wakes up in the World of Ruin, why does she all of a sudden have all the party's items, even the ones previously equipped with other people? (FF6) She's a general, not some opera floozy! Her military training helped her salvage the party's inventory. 24. How does Red XIII procreate, considering he is the last of his species? (FF7) Spores. 25. Why are there still waves in the ocean if there is no wind? (FF5) Brownian motion. 35. Why can a lancer attack 2 spaces to the front, back, and sides, yet no spaces diagonally? (FFT) They can't "think outside the box." 36. How does a cosmetics bag deal more damage than a broadsword? (FFT) You have clearly never seen a woman's purse, my friend. Those things are full. 43. How does the party survive a jump down a waterfall? (FF6) All the arm-motions during fights while falling slow their descent. 44. Why does the waterfall extend its length indefinitely, but always long enough so you can defeat a few fish that, oddly enough, jump out from behind the falling waters? (FF6) Er ... umm ... disturbances in the space-time continuum! 48. Why is it that when Setzer throws his cards, he gets them back to throw again, but if Shadow throws the cards, they disappear? Setzer, being a suave gambler playboy, has mastered the boomerang card throw, slicing his opponent with the special razor-sharp edges. Shadow, being a former dork named "Clyde," can only chuck the deck and hope for the best. 49. How does rolling high numbers on dice deal more damage? Why not put as many dots as will fit on one side? If you had a die covered with as many dots as it could hold, there wouldn't be any die left. It would be all hole. 56. What exactly does Yang do to stop the super cannon? (FF4) I always thought that he plugged up the cannon with his body; that's why he ended up halfway across the world, at the Cave of Sylph. Now that I stop to think about it, that sounds pretty stupid. Then again, so was Yang -- what do you expect from an hay-feverish ninja? 57. With no oxygen on the moon, how does Bahamut live? (FF4) Photosynthesis. 58. Why does the light atop Mount Ordeals (KluYa) tell Cecil to "Stop Golbez!" considering he knows Golbez is his son and Cecil's brother? (FF4) Because Golbez is evil. It doesn't say to kill Golbez, or hurt Golbez, just to stop Golbez. To save him from himself. An admirable goal indeed. 64. Why can't Cloud equip the Masamune Blade? (FF7) He's afraid of catching Sephiroth cooties. 70. How and who do other party members walk into and out of the main characters? (FF series) Final Fantasy characters are all Zen Buddhists; they have little trouble becoming one with each other. They do it to save space -- and so the whole party can fit in those sporty one-seater European coupes. 71. How does Cloud run all the way across the battlefield, swing his overgrown sword, and run back in the same time that it takes Barret to simply fire off a few bullets? (FF7) His seemingly random smikey hair is actually shaped like an airplane wing, and gives him lift. 72. Why is damage limited to 9999 per attack? (many RPGs) Under the confines of the Geneva Convention, customs won't allow Americans import more than 9999 damage per attack. They might use it for evil. 74. Why do people not care if you barge into their houses and take their treasure? (many RPGs) Because you're heavily armed and usually outnumber them. They're not being helpful, or even just ignorant. The poor saps are scared to death. 78. When you're facing south in the airship, why are all the buildings upside-down? (FF6) It's really complicated to explain -- but, in a nutshell, the atmosphere of rectangular worlds refracts light differently from our owns; at high altitudes the distortion is so great that buildings sometimes appear upside down! Corrective lenses can help. 84. Why does Yang have so much more HP when you fight against him? (FF4) Steroid usage. He was told it would build bulk and reduce sneezing. Your party straightens the poor abuser out. 85. How does Porom suddenly know how to cast stone when she needs to cast it on herself? (FF4) She doesn't. She's just standing really, really still, and the wall happened to stop right at that point (loose gear -- shoddy imperial workmanship). The whole party is so shaken by the ordeal that they don't notice the twins are really just standing there, trying hard not to giggle. After the party leaves the room, the two replace themselves with carefuly molded stone decoys and go chill. Porom works on her studies and magic skill. Palom hangs out in the "Pass Room" for days on end. 86. How does the Baron weapon shop stay in business if it keeps its door locked? (FF4) It's subsidized by the Baronian government and receives 10,000 GP per month. Damn welfare state. 87. How do the shops have enough money to buy anything you want to sell to them? (many RPGs) They're hooked up to the Worldwide Merchant Economic Network and can borrow whatever they need. Most shopkeepers look the same from town to town -- that's cause they're all brothers, and they help each other out. 88. Why do the shops not carry the items that you sell to them? (many RPGs) They're not resale shops; they wouldn't sell anything used, especially by a swarthy, sweaty individual such as yourself. 89. Why is it "firebal" when there are enough letter spaces to fit "fireball?" (DQ/W 2) In Japan, Dragon Quest coined a new word, "hoimi" (meaning "heal"). The U.S. localizers were hoping to do the same. Unfortunately, Operation Firebal was a flop. 94. How do people recover all their wounds over a good night's sleep? (all RPGs) "Inn" is a Japanese word for "Advanced Medical Facility Utilizing Alien Technology." Those "beds" are really state-of-the-art regeneration chambers. Unfortunately, your galavanting around the world is driving the aliens away. That's why the price keeps on increasing. (30 out of 100 I've copy-pasted, cutting it down from about 45 which were general comments or about games that I understand. Go read the website for yourself, it's their work!) posted by Charlotte | 3:59 pm (0) comments Thursday, February 26, 2004 - The Wayward, Part VII - "Come here!" "Come here, come here, come here!" I called, over and over, as I wandered about the grassy field outside the ruins, both somewhat intrigued, while proud, of the way in which that nameless, faceless, and seemingly bodiless creature followed me, as obediently as a creature without a mind would be, "Come here! Come here!" "Come here!" "Come here! Come here!" Heh. I felt so pleased at the simple-minded way in which the being obeyed my every command, irrespective of how ridiculous, repetitive, and unreasonable it was, without pause or hesitation, "Come here!" "COME HERE, YOU ..." I was distracted from my playful gambolling by a horrendous crash emanating from somewhere behind me, the place where Io Aoi, intrepid adventurer, had parked his carriage, and was carefully unloading the massive stack of files and papers he was carrying onto it. With emphasis on the word 'was', because as I turned about and peered curiously I saw nothing other than the brave explorer himself collapsed in a heap, while sheets of script and paper files which just had their contents accidentally emptied lay strewn about him. A couple of files which were sealed firmly enough to prevent the papers within from being spilled had landed squarely in the middle of his chest, pinning him down and constricting his breath like an ancient torture method. "Get over here! You promised to help me, kid, and you'd better make good with it!" he growled furiously as I dashed over, leaving the creature uncommanded and idling in the middle of the field. The files on his body were obviously no obstacle to his recovering his position, each file not weighing so much individually as to stifle a fully-grown adult. By the time I got over to him, he was frenziedly retrieving each slip of fallen paper and was stacking them in piles in a seemingly random fashion, eventually slotting the completed pile into its appropriate folder. "You're fast ..." I murmured while I bent to stack the unopened files into another neat pillar to be carried, not being able to do much else due to my inability to understand the written language of the land and seeking not to interrupt his meticulous arrangement, "You have the makings of a professional secretary!" "I what?" He glared at me, before the words sunk in and his face turned a beetroot red, him obviously being unwilling to associate himself with a job so stereotypically ladylike as the humble secretary. "Well, you don't have the makings of much else other than trouble!" he retorted as he strung up the last of the opened folders and proceeded to stack them, lifing them into the open back of the carriage, "If you'd helped me like you agreed, I wouldn't have needed to clear up this mess!" "All right, I know ... I'm sorry," I apologised for failing to assist the man who'd agreed to offer me a lift back to civilisation, as I, too, lifted the folders in my pile into the carriage, but one by one rather than as a whole stack, "But you shouldn't have offered to carry that entire stack by yourself, if you'd known that you might drop it." "I ... well ... it was an accident! Of course I wouldn't have known that!" he grumbled in his frustration as he impatiently snatched up what remained of my pile and put it in the carriage, before I had managed to finish doing so myself, "But all you're carrying is a picture frame and a small brown book! Surely you should have realised your duty as a girl, no, as a human! ... to help another man in need?" Well, I guess so ... seeing as to how the side pockets of my dress were large enough to carefully insert and hold tightly the picture frame and the book on either side, leaving me empty-handed. "I did help you open the door in the first place," I murmured, on the side acknowledging that the feat in itself was a total piece of luck, the creature having chanced upon the ring and gifted it to me at the very beginning, "But I already apologised ... let's not argue about this. Hostility isn't good, alright?" "I wasn't arguing, I was just stating facts!" insisted Io Aoi unhappily, before adding on in a suddenly cheerful tone of voice, brought on, no doubt, by his adventuresome enthusiasm, "But there we are! We're done! Now you can climb in, and ... I assume you've rode a carriage before, girlie?" he inquired in a voice with a patronising ring to it. And what, may I ask, was so difficult about sitting in a carriage? "Charlotte, thank y ... no, please!" I grimaced at having to force my name upon him for the umpteenth time, "And we can't leave yet ... we need a plank." "A ... a plank? What for?" he asked, nearly laughing out as he glared at me, totally flabbergasted. "Well, for the ... the thing, of course!" I pointed out in an almost matronly tone, rather protective of my less than talkative friend, "Do you expect it to jump up?" "Maybe, why not?" he replied stupidly, "Did you even try to ask it to do so?" "No, but ... oh come on!" I reprimanded, my common sense wishing to avoid any further bruising, "It's something liquid, it doesn't have legs! Maybe it's springy, not that I've tried to find out, of course, but unless it's bouncing I think it's highly unlikely it can ever summon or accumulate energy enough to temporarily oppose gravity! Don't you have any knowledge of ... no, any common sense at all?" "I don't understand your explanation, but oh heck," he sighed as he clambered in and reached for a toolbox hidden somewhere near the front of the carriage, "That thing's more important than I thought it was, so I guess I'll follow your demand, smart little starlet." Um, did he mean Charlotte? Or was that just a lousy attempt at a pun? I must admit, however, that while the man had little in the way of human relations or basic general knowledge, he did have a useful assortment of skills that would come in handy around the house or the office. One of the perks of being an adventurer, I guess. With the deftness of ease and the assistance of a hammer he pulled from a simple toolkit, he carefully removed a broad plank from the floor of his carriage without causing the entire structure to collapse in a cartoony manner, and laid it against the back of his carriage to provide a simple slope for the creature to make its way on board. However ... "The inclined plane is too steep!" I protested as he wiped the sweat off his brow with the back of the hand that was holding the hammer, nearly braining himself in the process, "That thing will just slide off! Or worse, it might fall over before it gets up! Don't you have a longer plank inside that carriage?" "You know, kid," he growled as he twirled the hammer in his hand, and yelping as he dodged to one side when it nearly fell on his foot, the tool not exactly being the most suitably weighted instrument for twirling, "Your complaining's really, really getting to me. In my life as an adventurer, I've had to deal with fearsome beasts, with difficult puzzles, even a dangerous stampede of a horde of my fans all eager to meet me ("Yeah, right ..."), but I must tell you I have no experience with whining, whinging, whimpering little girls. In my time I've met many a exquisite, eloquent, and endearing lady, and I find it thoroughly impossible to imagine any of them started off as a little complainer like yourself." "Um, uh, right ..." I gulped as I nearly choked on my own saliva. Judging from his carefree and laid-back manner, one could not possibly perceive that this man could have a temper of any kind. However, seeing as to how I was alone, in the middle of nowhere, and without a witness in sight to voice my case should something horrible happen to me, I decided that it wasn't a good idea to try and bring that hidden fury of his to the surface. "I'm sorry. I promise I'll shut up from now on ... I mean, I'll stop making so many complaints. And I have an idea on how to get that creature up into your carriage, and it doesn't involve any more planks. I just need you to help me in carrying something ..." Io Aoi certainly wasn't too pleased about that, but if it meant being able to secure the mysterious beast without having to disassemble any more of his beloved carriage he was more than agreeable to it. Pretty soon after, with a simple beckon on my part, the creature edged its way up the slope and into the carriage, with the aid of none other than a large plank from the wooden door of the building, which had been blasted out onto the pavement. Smart, eh? "Quite an impressive piece of thinking, I must say!" applauded a rather bemused adventurer as he hammered the loose plank back into the floor of his carriage, while taking care to avoid contact with the creature at the same time, quite a difficult chore considering the less-than-adequate space remaining within after having stacked the folders and other scraps of 'important evidence' inside. "It's your choice if you want to sit outside in the front of the carriage, with me, or stay inside with your little pet. It's going to be squeezy both ways, unless you can think of another innovation of yours to get around it." "Er, no, I can't," I mumbled as I contemplated where in the carriage to rest my tender aching behind. Sitting in front would mean sharing the seat with mister Chauvinism himself, and there was always a chance I might accidentally fall off the precarious perch either out of my own carelessness or due to recoil from yet another shocking remark made by him. Staying inside, I had no fear of actually getting attacked by the nameless monster, but it was possible that when going up or down a hill, or at coming to a sudden stop, I might accidentally come into contact with it and ... well, I don't want to think about it. Fear is a powerful weapon, irrational as it is. In the end, I opted to seat myself just behind Io Aoi rather than next to him, so as to avoid falling out of the carriage while at the same time keeping a safe distance away from the creature, which I never realised was resting so close to me in the cramped little carriage, after its back door was sealed. He had already fastened the horse to his carriage (having done so before even loading the goods), and with a dextrous flick of the reins, and a suitably adventuresome punch to the sky from him in the process, the animal broke into a slow trot. "So, you never told me," Io Aoi began again, in his usual pick-them-up fashion, as he simulatenously controlled the reins of the horse with that natural appearance that comes out of a profession, "Have you ever been on a horse carriage before?" "I ... well ..." Actually, I couldn't remember for the life of me. And yet, then again, if I said yes I might be asked to 'trot' out some otherwise useless piece of trivia and proceed to flub it in the same pathetic fashion as the questioner himself often did, and if I said no, another bout of teasing could be expected heading my way about my na?vete. So much trouble, over a simple question about horses? "Uh, why do you ask?" "Just curious, seeing as to how you look excited," I ... look excited? Um ... well ... yeah, I guess, seeing as to how I had been thrown into a mysterious world by some cause unknown and become acquainted with a creature that defies mystery and mythology. But he was right, somewhat. "I presume that you don't see many horses where you come from, is that right? You're probably one of those kids who lives in a big city and never goes out." "Yeah ... probably," I mumbled tremulously. You mean he knew about cities? I hadn't seen a settlement for an entire morning, a rather unusual happening which made me feel just like some wild jungle girl, and now this unusually perceptive character was able to discern, despite my blank expression, that I was a creature of civilisation. So, despite the monsters, the unusual names and the illegible script ... was I in the world ... the real world? "Heh," he chuckled while letting out a little wistful sigh, "Kids like you shouldn't be wandering off like that. The countryside is different ... long roads, strange people, nobody to watch your back, while in the city ..." he turned and winked at me with a knowing glance from under that flimsy straw hat, "You've all the comforts of life. Waking up from a comfortable featherdown bed, to the brothy smell of the breakfast stew your landlady prepares for you, bread moulded in brick trays ... and when you walk out there are guards suited in armour all standing around to protect you! The countryside's a dangerous place for one so used to convenience and ease like yourself." "I suppose ..." Uh, well ... looks like my original guess was correct. I was in a medieval world, not some outlandish, supernatural extension of the real one, and that meant no cars, no streetlights, no electricity ... and I had actually survived thus far. Amazing! But, feeling my increasing inadequacy over the concept of civilisation which I was to encounter, I decided to change the subject. "By the way, does your horse have a name?" "A name? Of course! Anyone ... or anything so kind enough to follow me and aid me on all of my trials and tribulations deserves a name! I call her Iiuuaa, a name of deserving of royalty!" Io Aoi once again saluted the sky for having blessed him so, before folding his arms contentedly with the rein gripped tightly in one hand. Royalty? "Royalty?" I asked, rather curiously, "What's so royal about that? Like Ua ... er ... oh ..." "The Princess, Uaeouue! You'd better get her name right, seeing as to how you're carrying her picture around," he cautioned, and that bit of skin of mine separated from the wooden frame by a mere fold of cloth seemed to tingle, "But the royalty always take the longest names for themselves, while it's better for us ordinary people to have names that are short and simple." Hmm ... I understand what he meant. Like Archibald Alexander Barthomelew Sebastian Maximillian the Seventeenth or something ridiculous like that, except that now a single word, to these people, was considered long, and an average name would be merely a syllable or so long. "You've a rather long name, yourself," he commented as he relaxed his arms, ready to give a command to the horse in case of any difficulties, as we were now ascending the small hill I had difficulty overcoming earlier, "And a foreign one, at that. If it wasn't for the fact that you behave like a tramp, girlie, I'd have thought you to be some princess from a faraway land!" Faced with such a comment, I didn't know whether to feel unusually proud about myself or to gnash my teeth with rage and cook up a good retort. "So, what's my name, hmm?" I put the question to him coyly, seeing as to how it seemed impossible for him to break out of the utterly annoying practice of slapping some demeaning pronoun upon me. That should fix him. "Hmm ... well ..." You mean he didn't remember? How many times did I remind him? "It's ... Starlet, isn't it?" Oh heavens ... "Grr ... Charlotte! Charlotte!" I yelled repeatedly, clenching my fists in my rage but trying my very best to avoid smacking upon his vulnerable back, "You got it right, once! Surely you can keep doing so!" "Well, sorry, kid ('Argh!'), it is a strange name, after all," he commented rather emotionlessly, before realising, like I had just moments ago, that he was speaking on a potentially shaky ground, and decided to change the subject once again, "Are you going to give that pet monster of yours a name?" "Pet monster?" I repeated as I glanced behind me, only to see it looming over me, not more than a foot away. From my sitting position, it seemed that I could see up its hitherto concealed hood, but in the darkness of the inside of the carriage I saw nothing more than blackness, "I never thought about it, but I don't think I will. If it will listen to me without me slapping a name on it, I don't see the point of doing so." "Heh, that's minimalistic!" he chuckled bemusedly, throwing an uncharacteristically long and complex-sounding word into the conversation, "But haven't you considered ... what if you were sitting, say, at a tavern, and you called out to someone whose name you didn't know. Would that pet of yours come as well, since it doesn't have a name?" "I ... I never thought about that ..." I murmured, trying to envisage a similar scenario in my head. That would most certainly be quite a farce. "But ... see, it doesn't respond when I speak to you, yet sometimes it listens when I'm just talking to myself. Maybe it's more ... more than just words." "More than words, eh ...?" he remarked before his voice suddenly dropped a notch ... as did the carriage, "Whoa, whoa, careful there!" We had just gone past the top of the hill, and that meant, like in that nursery rhyme, that we were going down ... and as the sound of a file toppling and sliding across the floor of the carriage pierced my ear like a sharpened blade, my greatest fear was that the creature itself would topple upon me, spreading to me that same deadly miasma of ... or was I already trapped in it? And then I glanced behind, and saw it rather sturdily rooted to the floor of the carriage, unmoving, almost as if it was anchored there. A close call. "Speaking of the hill ... whoa there!" Io Aoi called as he tried his best to cut the already inching pace of the horse, out of worry that the carriage might gain a momentum of its own and roll downwards taking the horse and us with it, "Didn't I see you walking up this same hill, sometime earlier this morning when I was driving to that place we just left?' Did he? As I reached an arm out to catch a toppled file which was on the verge of sliding out the front of the carriage, I jogged my memory, trying to remember if I had seen a brown-haired, clean-shaven, straw-capped man on my way to the laboratory, while I was the follower and my 'monster pet' was the guide. Had I? So, yes or no? It's only been seven parts so far ... surely you remember! 25. Someone? What, you mean he was that guy? 26. Nope, nobody that I know. Figment of your imagination. - You're adventures has ended here . Err ... lousy translation - posted by Charlotte | 3:56 pm (0) comments Wednesday, February 25, 2004 - A Way with Words, Part VII - "You lied to me, Charlotte ..." Aei wept softly, her little pale face hidden in her hands as she sat, while I, half-impatiently, half-uneasily, paced up and down the room. We were inside the village's town hall, in a girl's boudoir of some kind, presumably the place for the lady folk to hang out, to relax, to sip tea, and to exchange intimate details of conversation that heaven never destined the ears of males to hear. Neatly painted in a pleasant shade of apple red, the room was comfortably furnished, with a three-piece suite of similarly-coloured plushy sofas adorned with comfortable featherdown cushions, with a simply-designed yet intricately carved table serving as the centrepiece of a splendid work of interior design. To one side, a wooden dresser stood, complete with perfectly-polished mirrors, drawers full of various pieces of medieval cosmetics and perfumes, and, of course, a cushioned stool for you to rest your behind as you adorned yourself in the mirror. And yet, these pleasant surroundings were no comfort to the royal Princess Uaeouue of Va World ... or, more accurately, to the girl who had just recently become her. "Look, Aei, I'm telling you," I pleaded for the umpteenth time as I wrung my hands in frustration, "I'm just an ordinary girl! I'm not a princess or anything!" "Then ..." Aei wailed as she whirled about, placing her hands on the wooden frame of the sofa as she revealed to me her crimson, tear-stricken face, "Why did you go along with them? Why did you play their game? Why did you follow, if you're not the Princess?" "I ... I ..." I stammered. This had been the stopping point, the issue over which Aei had been so upset. The issue which prevented us from making any headway in the conversation, and thus preventing me from resolving this difficulty that plagued Aei's quickly fragmenting trust for me, "I told you already ... I had to. I didn't want to create a scene ... no, to make the scene even more of a spectacle than it was by arguing in public. It's better ... better that they've given me some time to think, so that I can explain myself. I assure you, this misunderstanding will be cleared, it will ... eventually." "Eventually! Eventually, that's all you can say!" Aei sulked as she turned back on herself in despair, "That's because you're the Princess, and things will always be going for you. But me ... Aei ... poor nameless Aei ... you don't understand how I feel." I remember that she had uttered those lines some time ago, not too long before we first entered the town of Ouaiie, where all this controversy started. I had taken her seriously then, I tried to understand her, to empathise with her ... only to find out that in her mischievousness she was merely making use of her childish appeal to make a fool of me. Of Charlotte, ordinary commoner girl. But now, with this ridiculous rank so inadvertantly heaped upon me, weighing upon my mind and my spirit, I felt older, bigger, bulkier, as I stood to one side, and gazed down at her truly miserable self. "I've lost a friend ... a promising friend ... a promising, true friend. I had my trust betrayed ... no, abused! And here I am, brought along like a plaything! Am I a toy to you, huh, Princess? Am I just your doll?" She was inconsolable. As I watched, helpless to staunch her suffering, I noticed that she was clawing ... clawing at her tender young face in her angst. That crimson on her face was not the redness of passion and emotion ... it was the crimson of blood. Blood rushing from the tiny blood vessels on one's face rupturing, needing only a sharp nick more before it would gush out to the surface. "Aei, you shouldn't do that!" I cautioned as I darted over to her, yet taking care to stay a respectful distance away from the tormented child, "You'll hurt yourself! Stop doing that!" "I ... uh ...?" she paused, gazing at her neatly-trimmed yet sufficiently sharp little nails, which were as yet unstained. She could not see the patches of redness that had emerged in painful lines over her face, but as she paused, and flinched, I knew that she could feel them. Increasingly agonised, she raised her claw-like hand again, before tremulously plunging it into a cushion and digging her nails in as deeply as she could. "The pain ... I ... oh Charlotte ..." she cried as she clenched her nails into the cushion, whose cover was luckily enough made of a material strong enough to resist such a degree of mistreatment, "Charlotte, why did you bring me here? Not to humiliate me, I hope." "To humiliate you? What for? The fact is that I need you!" I stated matter-of-factly, still keeping a cautious distance away from the antagonistic girl. An appeal too emotional and too heart-felt could be easily dismissed as a work of melodramatic play-acting by the intellectually sprightly child, while to say nothing and to leave her wracked in torment and self-reproach would be too much for any heart possessed of human feeling to bear. It was necessary I spoke to her, but in the process it was essential that I remained as reasonable and as rational as possible. "You were there with me from the beginning, back at the cliff! You brought me to your home, to meet your mother and your father. You know how sincerely confused I was, and how well and truly lost I was! I didn't even know what country I was in! Does this sound like the work of a ... a princess (the word now had a distasteful tang to it) who mistakenly found herself lost in her own country, or even one who deliberately set out to escape from it? I need you, to help me, and there is no hiding that fact." "So you're just using me?" she sniffed resentfully, though she sounded a little more mollified than before. Perhaps this gig of seriousness was working, though if I keep it up I might end up sounding more like a Prince than a Princess. "Well, you offered to help me at the beginning," I murmured as I gently sat down a cushion's length away from her, "And now I've got myself into serious trouble, and I need you to help me out of it. All right?" "At the beginning?" she repeated tearfully as she lifted her watery little eyes to meet mine, "Yeah ... that's right ... the beginning ..." "If I was that much of a princess," I postulated theoretically, now that her full attention was on my quivering eyes and quavering lips, "Shouldn't your mother have mistaken me for her from the very beginning? But that wasn't the case ... weird foreigners or wandering strangers shouldn't be an excuse not to help royalty ..." "You're right ... I'm sorry ..." she whimpered, before drawing in her breath ... and digging the full length of her tear-stricken face into my unsuspecting chest, "I'm really sorry for ever doubting you ... you were really just a normal girl like me all along ..." she cried as her warm tears pierced the fabric of my dress a second time, before it was even dry from my previous ordeal. "It's all right ..." I consoled, breathing a sigh of relief as I finally found it safe enough to reach an arm over and give her an encouraging pat on the back, "We're in this together ... thanks for being here." "You're just a girl, Charlotte, you're not a princess ..." she whispered into me, before lifting her head, and raising to me those glassy crystal eyes, that crimson line-marked cheeks ... "Anyway, now I know you're too flat-chested to be a princess!" W ... wha ...? "Argh! What in damnation!" I roared as I reared up to confront the girl, now cheekily grinning in her usual fashion, "Can you stop ... making all these stupid comments! I've had just about enough references from you about how I don't have ... how I'm not perfect! Who's playing with who here?" "Hey, hey, calm down now!" Aei giggled as she raised her hands in a mock pose to ward off the raging monster that I had become, "That's just me, you know! I play with people when I'm happy, and when I don't ... that means I'm sad!" "Huh, some excuse," I huffed and folded my arms, now feeling like the one who had got the worse end of the deal, "If that's the case, how is anyone supposed to comfort you when you are really, truly, sad?" "They'll just have to find that out for themselves!" she laughed, before raising a thoughtful hand to her lips, "You managed to find that out ... so that means that you're good enough to be a best friend!" Still giggling happily, she threw her arms around my neck and sighed in a deliberately and excessively wistful tone. "Er, right, thanks ... I feel better now ..." I muttered as I rather bemusedly raised her arms off my shoulders and handed them back to her, a gift she accepted happily, "I need to ask you a few things." "What?" she asked eagerly, "Ask me anything you want to know, I'll do anything for a best friend!" Er, right ... thanks ... "Um, okay," I accepted her offer gratefully, before posing my question, "If I look that much like the Princess, why did your mother wait until the morning to fetch me from the cliff outside? It's not easy to pose as a princess ... don't you think that she was worried and anxious enough to rescue me at once, rather than leave me there till morning, in spite of all the .. the strange people walking about?" "I guess she wouldn't have hesitated ..." Aei pondered thoughtfully, fingering a patch of raw flesh where she had cut herself a little too deep, "But then again, we didn't know the Princess was missing till this morning, in the news papers. It's not as if us common folk go around searching for nobility just for the fun of it! And besides, my mother told me to fetch you from outside before she even picked up the news paper ... my father had spread it out on the table to read." "Right, I see ... and it was the way I acted and how you responded that led her to need no convincing," I considered as well, before putting forward another issue which had been troubling me all this while, "Something else ... You've pointed out to me repeatedly, whether I liked it or not, that while I look like the Princess I'm ... not built like her in the least, physically ... (*evil giggling*) ... and if that is so, how can a whole town mistake me for her? They're not that stupid!" "Yeah, sure, we common people aren't that stupid, your royal highness Princess Charlotte Know-it-all," Aei retorted at my rather thoughtless comment about the intelligence of her fellow townsfolk, before offering a rather intuitive observation which did not dwell on my exquisite physique or lack thereof, "But maybe ... we haven't had an official visit from the Princess for years now, and that was when I was a baby and she was a child ... a child looking a little like me *smile*! And in those adolescent years as she grew up, maybe she turned out as beautiful as the Princess in the news papers ... or maybe she became someone as meagre and underdeveloped as you!" "... STOP IT!!!" I shrieked as the blood flooded my cheeks at her cheeky comment, in a description that was turning out to be quite a logical and sensible one. "Er ... hee hee ..." she burbled as she gradually loosened the hands of mine which were wrapping themselves around her skinny little throat, and planted them back in my lap, "But that picture in the news paper is just a portrait, and you know how court artists always exaggerate the positive features of the nobles they're painting? It's possible that maybe it's all just flattery, you see?" "Right ... good ... well maybe," I pondered, wrapping my hands around my arms in an effort to restrain myself and to avoid having a charge of child murder on my hands, "And you're telling me the whole town is intuitive enough to figure all that out, and thus deduce that I'm the princess?" "Well, no, they're not all that smart," she hissed, shooting me an accusatory glare, "But they certainly wouldn't have followed through on their suspicions if you hadn't gone out and aided them by shouting your mouth off in the middle of the village square that you're NOT the Princess!" "Right ... yeah, that was a major mistake on my part ..." I sighed as I collapsed against the comfortable cushioned back of the sofa, "So now I need to find a way out of this Princess stunt and to get back home where I belong before I fall into any more trouble. Got any ideas?" "I thought you already had some," replied Aei as she, too, folded her arms and leaned back to soothe her strained emotions, "But if you ask me, I suggest that you not go out and tell them that you're not the Princess just yet." "But ..." I stammered as I almost shot upright again, "But that's impersonation! I could get arrested for that, maybe even thrown in jail, or ... or executed! It might be fun while it lasts ... but I don't want to be there when I get found out!" "Well, I'm saying this for a few reasons," she offered as she complemented some dastardly deeds which she could utilise my newfound fame and status to accomplish, "First, it's going to take far too long to deny your identity to every single person. It's better to wait until you meet someone important, like a mayor or a minister, so that you can explain yourself to them, and maybe they can help you get out of this muddle you're in. Second, if you're dealing with someone who hasn't met the Princess for some time, for example anyone from around here, there's always a chance that they wouldn't believe you and think that you're just trying to escape from the Palace. My guess is that if you just let them, maybe they'll hand you over to the Palace where you can explain yourself better to someone who really does know the Princess well. Third, if you're the Princess, then you should have, or can demand more power, information, or bargaining rights which would all be at your disposal, which you can utilise to help you find your way home! Furthermore ..." "Um, right ... okay ... that's a lot of good reasons why I should stay as the Princess," I stammered, trembling a little at the magnificent eloquence and proficient reasoning which a girl quite some years my junior had demonstrated, "But the important thing is ... what happens if I do get charged with impersonation, when they eventually find out that I'm not the Princess? They'll say that I used them ... that I'm a liar and a fraud, and I'll get into even more trouble than before! Haven't you considered that?" I pleaded, aware of a possible fate that loomed before me, and maybe even before little Aei, who served as my accomplice-turned-director. "Ah, don't worry, we'll get around that!" she laughed as she pointed at me, fingering some unseen flaw in hopefully my speech and not my appearance, "Don't respond to the call of Princess ... get people to talk to you informally, avoiding mentioning your title or your name, Uaeouue ('Er ... how do you pronounce ...'), in addressing you. You're Charlotte, aren't you? And I'm going to call you Charlotte as much as possible, so respond to me, and show them what your assumed name ... in this case your real name ... really is! Perfect!" "Er, Aei, I must hand it to you ... you are absolutely brilliant," I murmured rather incoherently as I rested my head in my hands, shell-shocked at realising I was technically obliged to respond to something other than Charlotte, and not particularly relieved at the means Aei offered of avoiding it, "You have the makings of a criminal mastermind. One day, you are going to land a scam on the whole world, and they will never know what hit them." "Thanks!" she laughed as she grinned gleefully, before her smile narrowed a bit at fully comprehending my appraisal, "Wait ... is that a compliment or an insult?" Don't tell me she was dissatisfied at merely scamming Planet Earth itself ... "Uh ... Princess ... your royal highness!" called a lady in an airy tone from behind the door that sealed us from the rest of the town hall. I was quick to lock it after we had been rather obsequiously ushered in, knowing that I had some issues to sort out with a then-distraught Aei. "Yeah? I mean ... yes? I mean ..." I first corrected my coarse speech in an attempt to sound more refined, as a princess should be, before it struck me that as part of our master plan I wasn't even supposed to respond to the call of Princess in the first place. Damn ... first time unlucky. Hopefully they won't call that lady up as a witness when I'm brought to trial. "Oh heck ..." I grumbled, much more quietly than before. "You know, I think you're beginning to enjoy this Princess thing ..." Aei murmured as she gave me a coy glance, "Almost as much as I already do!" "Your highness ... I'm sorry, but ..." the lady stuttered, unsure, of either what exactly she was talking about, or how exactly she would address someone of a princess' magnitude, "Your assistance is humbly requested, in translating the ramblings of that man ... the criminal who was arrested. I know it is much too menial a task, for someone as pure as yourself to descend to listen to a villainous crook, but ... please ..." "We're going, right?" I asked Aei, my agent, scriptwriter and director all in one, while trying my best to keep my voice as low as possible by crouching down below the back of the sofa. "Of course we are!" she hissed, in return lowering her voice to a mere squeak, "It's not helping you to stay locked up in here forever, and besides, you claim that man was looking for the Princess ...?" "Um, yeah, that's right," I affirmed, before raising my chest, sucking in my breath and trying to eke out of me the sweetest, most pleasant, most polite voice I possibly could, "We'll be out shortly ..." "Wait!" whispered Aei again, still crouched on the sofa cushions, "Not yet! Not now!" "Shortly ... in just a while ... give me a few minutes please, thank you ... very much ..." I wheezed, before collapsing in a gasping fit as both my throat and my conscience were unable to take the strain of sounding unbearably royal. I turned to Aei, "What is it? What do you want to tell me?" "You aren't going out there ... just as yourself, are you?" Aei demanded rather insistently, staring at me through the tip of her fringe. "But ... I thought you said ... that I was just going to be myself?" I asked. Was there some miscommunication here? I clearly remembered she told me to ... "Yes! You're not going to respond to anything which declares you the Princess ... but until the world knows for sure that you're not the Princess, you're going to have to carry yourself like one!" "Carry ... myself? What do you mean?" I stuttered as she descended upon me with a malicious grin, like a deranged psychopath out of some gothic film, "What ... do you want me to do? What are you ... going to do to me? What?" "Wha ... aah!" I shrieked as sinister giggling pervaded my every sense. Ooh. How scary! What's going to happen to our darling little heroine now? Which murderous weapon was found at the scene of the crime? Of course, assuming that it was acquired in the first place. 23. Aah ... apples! No, no! Not the apples! Help me! 24. The book? The book ... you don't mean ... no ...! - Your adventure ends here! Right, it does! I'm smart, and I say it does! Pigs can fly too! Yes, they do! Uh-huh! - posted by Charlotte | 3:58 pm (0) comments Tuesday, February 24, 2004 - War of Words, Part VII - I have committed many crimes in my life, but none so serious or publicly perceived as important enough to merit anything more than a telling off, and by a teacher, a parent, or some miscellaneous adult at that, rather than by any law enforcement officer. Occasionally, I have criticised my home country as a police state. However, after being arbitrarily arrested, by two armed and armoured guards at that, and being thrust unnecessarily forcefully into a bare room whose only source of lighting was the sun shining in through grille-barred windows, held for the crime of high treason against some unknown administrative body no less, I began to fear the very mention of the police itself. Interrogated by these same armoured guards who revealed not a scrap of flesh and spoke with tinny, yet dead serious voices, the solitary wooden chair never seemed so imposing an item of funiture in my life. "Um ... er ..." I stammered uneasily as the guards finally unhanded me, allowing me to assume any seating position I wished, "Can I stand? I'd feel a little more comfortable talking that way, and maybe you'd like to have a rest after wearing that heavy thing the whole day ..." "Silence! Do as you are told!" roared the guard before me, his identity indiscernible after the pair had left their weapons leaning against the stony walls, "This is an interrogation, not some friendly chatting session!" "Comply! Answer our questions!" demanded the other guard, fastening the door behind him while keeping an eye out for false moves on my part, "Your comfort has been assured, unless you want to join your accomplice!" Accomplice ... yeah, it all sounded like a crime. One that I had been set up over. It was pointless to repeat this, but didn't apprehending a meek and meagre little girl have anything insensible to it? Knowing that pointing this out for the umpteenth time would be futile, I mutely complied, crossing my arms, folding my legs and straightening my hair, trying my best not to think of the fate of that arrogant, self-obsessed lout Pwyns Xjrmynq now lying shackled and chained to the wall of the town's dungeon-like prison ... and the pathetic, imbecilic way he went about getting himself restrained so. Flashback to a few moments ago, as I sat obediently in the waiting lounge of the village's town hall, the guard watching me leaving his post with nothing but a stern warning not to bolt for it, while he assisted his comrade doing his best to drag a kicking and screaming piece of royalty into the door, past the counter and down the hall. "Let me go! Unhand me, you stupid peasant!" he screamed and wailed and whined and railed as he thrust himself about, wrangling like a disobedient child in his father's (and mother's, as it seemed) iron grasp, "You are manhandling royalty here, you idiotic nincompoop! You will sorely regret mistreating me like this! You worthless plebians! You scum-sucking ... scum-suckers! You ... (et cetera)!" Obviously not comprehending a word he was babbling, not as if they were worth comprehending in the first place, the guards hoisted him like a pig to be slaughtered, carrying him down the hall, where they rounded a corner and disappeared from view, while Pwyns Xjrmynq's endless cries still lingered down the passageway. Sitting unguarded in the middle of the empty lounge, without even a secretary at the counter to keep an eye on me, and with the guards' polearms and that ridiculously oversized sword leaning against the wall waiting to be seized, it may have been surprising that it never once occurred to me to make a run for it. But perhaps I felt it was best not to flee and find myself hunted down like a dog as a fugitive, or maybe I was too confident in my speech and my reasoning and was sure I would be able to talk my way out of there. Perhaps to save me the time of having to decide between the two as reasons to stay put, the guards quickly returned, huffing and puffing as they inspected several new scratches their prisoner's nails had put into their armour, and retrieved the weapons while escorting me to where I was now sitting, the dreaded interrogation room. End flashback. "Look, okay," I protested, my restrained posture hiding the true extent of my frustration and anxiety, "Isn't there any way, anything I could say or do that would convince you that I'm not a traitor or whatever as you say?" Beyond bribery, of course. I had no money or valuables to bribe them with, and the only thing I really had ... hey, no! I'm only a kid! I'm not a prostitute! Forget any thought or mention of that. "All right, in that case, inform us of the plans between you and the villain from Consonance," intoned the guard before me, looming before me like a wall of iron, "Speak precisely, feel free to elaborate, but do not waste our time with irrelevant details." "Be warned, anything you say will be taken note of and may count for or against you," cautioned the guard behind him, folding his arms to create a metallic defense, "If we have reason to believe at any time that you are lying, the strictest penalty shall be executed upon you." "Well, for starters, could you stop assuming that I'm a traitor just because I have a ... a strange name?" I pleaded, still hurting from within at this senseless example of bigotry. You mean I'm a crook because I don't have a name that can be pronounced by someone with a cleft palate? "Irrelevant," growled the front guard. Oh sigh. "Hurry up!" grumbled the back guard. Oh well. "Second, could you not ... talk together? Please? Pretty please? You're really frightening me!" I begged, wishing I could fall on my hands and knees but that was impossible due to the fact that I had just been forced to my seat. "We are a team, a partnership, a cooperative!" insisted the guard in front, "What one speaks, another reinforces and what one accidentally omits from conversation, the other is sure to contribute." "Together, we are always significant, always relevant!" asserted the guard behind, "Our symbiotic conduct is a shining example of the efficiency and effectiveness that can be brought about by cooperation." "So ..." I sighed as I sank my head into my arms, "You won't stop talking like that?" There was no hesitation. With one voice, they immediately responded with a loud and resounding "No!". At least, I got them to say exactly the same thing, and to say it together. "Okay, heck, all right, fine ..." I moaned, almost weeping out of sorrow, "I'll tell you what I know." "Excellent!" exclaimed one, "Fantastic!" cried the other. They glanced at each other, presumably exchanged a chuckle and a smile hidden behind their massive visors, before returning their attention to an increasingly distressed Charlotte. "Okay, please listen, because I really don't want to repeat this ..." I sighed as I began to recount the adventure of, what, the morning past? "That bloke's name is Pwyns Xjrmynq, and supposedly he's some kind of royalty, the person who's the heir to the throne of Consonance, whatever that is. He met me at a cliff outside a farm, just up the road ... well, the road that leads to the farm, and he gave me a sword and offered me some supposedly great reward to ..." "Consonance is the mortal enemy of us all!" roared the guard at the back as he raised a fist to challenge the sky, "They are barbarians, savage beasts, monsters who kill all our people soldiers and civilians alike!" "You accepted a bribe from the enemy!" declared the guard in front as he pointed an accusing finger of iron in my face, "You were swayed to betray your homeland by the promise of status and material gain!" "Look, stop interrupting, all right? You do want to hear me out, don't you?" I pleaded, trying my best to focus my eyes on the slits in the helm where the gleam of his eyes leaked through and not on the quivering finger hovering inches from my nose, "Maybe it's best for you to know that ... I don't live here. I don't come from around here ... I live someplace else, not Consonance or Va World or whatever." "Where?" demanded the guard before me. "Tell us!" insisted the guard behind him. "I ... well ... it isn't really very important at this point in time ..." I stammered uneasily, still struggling to avert my eyes from that finger quavering increasingly from his heightening rage, "What matters is that I'm not from around here, so I can't be either the enemy or a traitor, all right ... yes?" "Villain!" cursed the guard behind as he readied a fist to strike me in the chest, "You're hiding something! Something critically important!" "Liar!" yelled the guard before me as his finger wrapped itself about my neck, "Don't think you can disguise your treachery with these tricks!" I wanted to shriek out that it wasn't the most chivalrous thing to do to pummel a girl right in her face, but that urge was tempered by the realisation that if they didn't squeeze anything particularly controversial out of me they wouldn't hesitate to let loose physical fury upon my frail frame. In the first place, had I not spoken up, they might well have killed me outright. Girls always go about insisting about how the boys treat them nicely and gently and stuff, just because they're girls, but the truth is that the facade of chivalry was no encumberment to people who feared not the repercussions of infringing it. What, then, was the key to surviving this physical ordeal? Use your brains. "Look, before you hit me," I cried, the tears of passion welling up in the corners of my eyes, "Doesn't it make any difference to you ... isn't it significant ... that somehow I can speak to both you and that ... that villain? You can barely understand each other!" I saw the arm of the guard behind lower to his side, while the strangling grip of the guard before me loosened and eventually retracted itself. "I don't know how it works ... it's not as if you're speaking in totally different languages! I'm only saying one thing, and yet both of you, and him, can understand me, while you can't communicate with each other! Isn't that strange at all?" "Hmm ... yes ..." the hand of the guard before me, which moments ago had been wrapped around my neck, now fondled his chin rather ponderously, "A select few, very few, know the art of speaking both the languages of Va World and the enemy Consonance ... the royalty, for example, since it is highly unlikely that they would persecute themselves as traitors for speaking the enemy's tongue. But to speak in the languages of both at the same time ..." "Indeed ... well ..." the fist of the guard behind him, which was moments away from delivering me a blow, now served as a thinking pedestal for his head, "It doesn't make sense ... it seems unworldly. That while scholars of our land struggle with the mechanics and the very articulation of the enemy's language, one so young should be able to communicate so freely. There is something unusual and mystical to all of this. We need to know more." "Hey, Eau, know anything about this?" the guard before me suddenly piped up as he addressed his partner, "You're the one who attended the course on the enemy's tactics." "No, Uae, I don't ... wait! I remember!" cried the guard behind in a burst of epiphany, while I sat somewhat ignored on the wooden chair, "They said that in a war a number of years ago, enemy sorcerors speaking our language infiltrated our land, and spread rumours of supposedly 'holy men' able to speak to people of both lands at once. Then, enemy priests appeared posing as bishops, leading squadrons of the enemy troops dressed as commoners. They spoke in our language, and somehow the 'commoners' who spoke the enemy's language seemed to understand them, propagating a myth of an all-tongue. Their speech swayed the unwary populace, and tempted them to provide information that aided the forces of the enemy Consonance in their assault. But the existence of an all-tongue was proven to be a myth, when an enemy spy was captured and interrogated by our own trained linguists. I had never thought such a thing would really exist ..." "So, this ... 'all-tongue' really does exist? And this girl who has made the weirdest claims I have ever head appears to know it?" the guard before me thought, before shooting me a glare through the slits in his visor. And then I realised ... "Hey! I can't believe it!" I exclaimed gleefully, a rather unusual emotion especially considering the drab and gloomy settings my interrogation was taking place in, and the deadly threatening level to which the conversation had descended barely minutes ago, "I actually got the two of you to stop talking together! This is fantastic!" "Huh?" "What?" the guards gasped as they traded glances. And then they folded their arms and seemed to chuckle in a rather bemused and humorous manner. "Look, girl, we're human too ..." the guard at the back remarked, "Do you think that we were compelled ... either by law or by nature, to speak in the same way all the time? We aren't copies, you know, biology wouldn't allow that." "We're just good friends who happen to share a job," the guard in front commented, "We're not twins who sleep on the same bed. We have wives and children of our own to go home to. How do you think we'd speak in front of them?" "Okay, yay, great!" I laughed in a rather strained tone, "Now that I've settled that I'm speaking to real people and not tin men who can talk, could you continue in this friendly, relaxed manner from now on?" Again, the two exchanged glances. As if in some form of salute, the two simultaneously lowered their arms which had been furiously crossed, and then both turned to me again. "That is negative," growled the guard before me in a suddenly darker tone, "To be unnecessarily conversational detracts from the seriousness of our intentions in interrogating you. That isn't the way." "We speak as we please," intoned the guard behind him in a voice of moodiness, "Do not forget that you are still our prisoner, and may not demand so unreasonably of us. Continue your description." "I bet the two of you are just doing this to make my life miserable ..." I groaned as I wept into my hand. "Silence!" roared the guard behind, "Do not forget that you still have death hanging over you, all-tongue or not." "Speak!" threatened the guard in front, "Or we will not hesitate to utilise violence, even if you are but a girl." "Er, um, right ... yes ... Consonance and Va World ... that's it ..." I stuttered as I realised that my mouth had gone too far ahead of me, and the conversation had become serious once more, "Pwyns Xjrmynq, heir to the throne of Consonance, said he was on a quest to marry this Princess ... u-ah-mumble ... I forgot ..." "The royal Princess Uaeouue," corrected the guard in front of me, "Only child and heir to the throne of Va World. The most beautiful and gracious maiden in the land, she can be the only one of whom you speak." "You resemble her ... somewhat," murmured the guard behind, "But the palace claims that she has been missing, since this very morning. Your companion's quest, odious as it sounds, cannot be fulfilled." "Missing? I didn't know that ..." I commented quietly, afraid of touching a few strings. This Princess must have been precious to them ... well, obviously the heir to the throne must be! "But stupid and imbecilic as he is, I think that he has a point. All of you are fighting so senselessly, and here he comes with a dream of unifying the land and bringing peace once and for all. Farfetched, perhaps ... but don't you think there is any reason to it?" I stated philosophically. Sure, Pwyns Xjrmynq was an idiot and a right and royal twit ... but there was something to this dream of his, like this 'all-tongue' which flows so freely between the denizens of both lands. "How heinous!" cried the guard before me as he fell into a threatening posture, one which challenged ... no one in particular, it seems, "He intends to dominate the land, posing as a bringer of peace while in truth seizing Va World under the auspices of the evil Consonance!" "How sinister!" gasped the guard behind him as he raised a claw of agony to himself, almost ready to tear his face apart in his hatred, "The way he manipulates unsuspecting children as young as yourself to serve his insidious purposes! In the name of justice, this cannot be forgiven!" "So ... you think that I'm innocent? Can I go now?" I yelped eagerly, my insuppressible desire to clear my name bursting out from within the thin membrane of common sense, "I told you my story. I really, really didn't do anything before you guys caught me, okay?" "Considering how much you confessed," reckoned the guard before me, "We already have enough evidence to put you on death row along with that other fellow on charges of high treason, mattering not whether he may be a noble or you may have some unprecendented talent. The law has no favourites." "However, if you are co-operative ..." considered the guard behind him, "Our inability to comprehend the speech of that fellow means that we know little beyond the fact that he is of the enemy. Your skills may prove invaluable in deciphering, if you choose to be truthful, that what you said about him is correct." "So ... does that mean that if I prove to you that he is a noble, you'll listen to what he has to say?" I asked inquisitively. Being of the largely self-centred sort, my main motive was to get myself out of trouble, but somehow I couldn't help thinking ... feeling ... for that strange man with a strange dream, sitting somewhere else in this dungeon roaring and railing to no one but himself. "We provide no guarantees," the guard at the back reminded as he unlocked the door, letting fresh air flood into the heady-smelling room, "We reserve the right to make our judgement only after you present the gist of his case to us." "There is nothing to say now," the guard before me stated as he stood aside, indicating for me to rise from the wooden chair that was nearly my doom, "Your fates depend entirely on how entirely and truthfully you translate his words." "All right," I sighed resignedly as the guards retrieved their weapons (ah, so I knew which was which!) from their resting place against the wall, and stood one ahead of and one behind me to escort me to Pwyns Xjrmynq's prison cell, when I suddenly felt the urge to pipe up with a largely irrelevant comment, "So, now that you're not interrogating me, can the two of you talk normally now?" The guard whom I had been following closely behind suddenly stopped, nearly causing me to bang into him, and turned and glanced over the top of my head at his partner. "No!" asserted the one in front of me. "Definitely not!" the one behind me insisted. And, realising their mistake, their armour rose and fell as they bellowed with laughter. You say I'm strange to you ... well, let me tell you that you're all the strangest people I've ever seen in my life. And my thoughts turned to how I would interpret the words of the much-underserving, yet much-maligned Pwyns Xjrmynq, heir to the throne of Consonance. Hmm ... so how do you want to go about this? 21. Put things across matter-of-factly. That's honesty, isn't it, being straight and to the point? 22. Defend Pwyns Xjrmynq's cause. Honestly, he's so inept he can't defend himself anyway. - Adventureeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ... etc. (adventure continuing) - posted by Charlotte | 3:44 pm (0) comments Monday, February 23, 2004 I promised there wouldn't be another one ... but it turns out once again that there isn't enough room! Gah! And so, for what I promise will be the very last time, the Final Final Fantasy Fantasy. Best World Map : "Er, this was a last-minute addition because, while looking over some maps on the internet, I realised just how useless quite a lot of the terrain in all of the FFs is. Well, of course, it would be uglier to simply have designated points for you to walk back and forth between, and also makes the notion of random encounters rather senseless, but at times I feel that the game designers spend too much time embellishing the map which could be better spent on other parts of the game. So here I present one of the oddest things that has come out of my head, my opinion on the best FF map." 6. FFV "Okay, spoiler necessary here ... as if all of them so far have not been blatantly obvious yet. After defeating ExDeath, he compresses the dimension and the two worlds you explore are combined into one. Quite an innovative idea in itself, however this means that for the purposes of coherence there is lots of terrain in the two worlds that is utterly useless beyond the purpose of looking nice. For example, the weird landforms north of Karnak, or the great big unnecessarily large desert, and even ExDeath's island, which doesn't even make the transition to the third world beyond the Big Bridge. This makes for a lot of aimless walking, just trying to find your way to the next destination. You'd think that people would build towns near scenic sites, but apparently, they don't, and all scenery leads you to a dead end. The only time you get to appreciate the map, is when the guy in Mirage Town tells you to 'take a trip around the world on a Chocobo' ... and then you have to explore every nook and cranny that is given to you." 5. FFVIII "From FFVII, Square started this rather unusual habit of giving areas in the game names. It started pretty simply in FFVII, with names such as 'Midgar Area' or 'Junon Area' giving you an idea of where you are. But FFVIII started giving empty blocks of terrain strange English names, so that for starters you wonder why they have such weird names, and secondly you dread having to remember them, in case they're important ... and in the case of some subquests in FFVIII, they are. Where's Eldbeak Peninsula, I'd like to know, or Minde Isle. The Islands Closest to Heaven/Hell were in themselves hell to find, pun totally intended. If you could point and click on the map to find out the name of a place (as in, not a landmark), that wouldn't be too bad, but you can't, in any of the numbered FFs. But at least the terrain has a purpose, unlike in FFV. And consider that the monsters simply level up, instead of having weak monsters in some areas and strong ones in others, and you realise that FFVIII's map isn't a particularly friendly place." 4. FFVI "The progression of the game is linear, in the World of Balance at least, and you shouldn't get lost much as the terrain will guide you. You'll only get lost at, maybe, the southern continent at first, walking around looking for Tzen and Maranda, Vector being smack in the centre and surrounded by mountains. In the World of Ruin, while you could technically go anywhere, save anyone, and even go fight Kefka (with three people ...) after you get the airship, the game still guides you, giving you a suggested order in which you find the heroes. However, given that the World of Ruin is, after all, a ruin, there are lots of useless islands, forests, deserts et cetera everywhere, making it difficult to find some secrets such as Duncan's house or Zone Eater island (though once you know where they are you can remember that), especially considering that many other junk areas hide superpowerful monsters such as the sandworms in Maranda desert, or the dinosaurs in Narche's forest, so you're discouraged from wandering aimlessly on foot. This ruin, clearly, is for aesthetic purposes alone, beyond that it is nothing much more than a ruin itself." 3. FFIV "Of course, the most linear game of all should have the most linear map as well. Just like later FFs, you're guided as to where to go (it seems FFV is the exception in this area), so it's unlikely you'll get lost. However, I feel that in some areas where you're supposed to find a particular landmark, such as the cave leading to Damcyan or the Chocobo forest outside Toroia, you may end up walking the wrong way for quite a while and still no proof that you're not obviously travelling in the wrong direction. The underground map is thankfully linear, however, and on the moon you have the Big Whale so you shouldn't have problems finding your way about. These areas aside, the only other junk areas might be the mountain canyon near Fabul, which contains a (useless) Chocobo forest, and the strange little islands around Mysidia. But that's all right, I guess." 2. FFIX "Linearity is, again, the main feature of this map. You'll find yourself wandering through all of Mist continent, and then the Outer, Forgotten and Lost continents in that order. But once you attempt to trace your path, however, you'll realise that there are a lot of areas that you can travel to that contain absolutely nothing at all, for example the long grass path circling the Mist continent, or the various canyons of the Forgotten continent, and if you happened to be so rebellious as to ignore the advice the game gives you on your next destination (like I do ...) you can find yourself very lost indeed. All these redundant areas, as well as all those blank, oddly shaped islands or stupid lagoons around ugly peninsulas do serve a purpose, however, creating a varied landscape for you to do your scouting for the Chocobo Hot and Cold quest. That in itself is pretty enjoyable and challenging, as is the Chocobo King's later quest of finding every beach in the world, but it isn't really an excuse for having that many redundant items all over the map. The consolation? A convenient map, beautiful walkabout music, a hilarious and nonsensical main character and friends ("I'm sharpening my knife, kupo ...") and the consideration that FFIX's terrain actually looks realistic, doesn't it? As in, the location of mountains, plains, beaches makes geographic sense, and not the structural mishmash that they are for most of the earlier games. You can't have everything." 1. FFVII "Again, the map is suitably linear, and all the way until you get to Northern Crater you realise you have indeed been following a path that traces all the way from Midgar, through Junon and Costa Del Sol, right over to Mideel (the Temple of the Ancients), from Bone Village, Forgotten City, Icicle Town and finally the crater itself, and if you did the Wutai stolen materia subquest, you realise that you've just walked practically the whole map! The only places where you wouldn't have gone would be the places with hidden materia, where you need a Chocobo, as well as the Chocobo sage's house, Goblin Island, and Mideel itself, places that you'll visit later in the course of the game with the aid of the Highwind. Congratulations, you've just conquered the map of FFVII, probably the most beautiful one of all, and with fantastic walkabout music to boot. Useless areas? I'd say the small islands near Mideel, the area south of the swing bridge at Wutai, and all the miscellaneous peninsulas near Icicle Town. Otherwise, appreciate the most fantastic map of all." Best Game Mechanism : "Okay, here come the big ones. I understand how controversial how all of this should be (yes, unfortunately there is no controversy since nobody actually reads it to argue with you, dear) so instead of directly stating what I think is best and what is worst ... heck, it's all good, isn't it? ... I'll just mention the aspects of each game, in this case the gameplay, which strongly affect my opinion about it. If you've been reading these evaluations so far you should already have an idea of what I like, and what I dislike, anyway, so you shouldn't need me to spell it out for you. Here goes." FFIV : No customisability! Strange-looking map. Nice adventuresome music. Can't demand too much, since this is the earliest game. FFV : Graphics look like a step down from FFIV! Relaxing, laid-back music (sat and watched the waves of the world ...). ATB display provided. Mana display and max HP display NOT provided! Pretty redundant map until you have to take a trip around the world on a Chocobo. Job system allows for maximum customisability! FFVI : Beautiful and emotive music, the only one which nearly (emphasis, nearly) made me cry. Everyone can have a full selection of magic spells. New ATB system allows you to gain turns during animations! Max HP, MP and ATB are all displayed! Set whomever and as many people as you like in your team! Dual and triple team action! Delightful character animations ... as far as 2D can take you! Cons? I don't know. FFVII : Most fantastic selection of MIDI music ever available anywhere! Retained Max HP, MP, ATB gauge and ATB system from FFVI! Even has a Barrier/MBarrier gauge, though it's not that useful. Random perspective, that occasionally rotates! Cute and hilarious 3D polygon animation. Materia system allows unlimited customisability ... as long as you have the materia. Beautiful world map and music. FFVIII : Magic doesn't use MP, cast all you want! Max HP has vanished! ATB doesn't move during animations ... back to FFV? Transparent battle bar! Perspective is random, and won't rotate? Everbody can have a full selection of spells. No armour, helms or accessories? GFs allow you to mix and match junctions and abilities, but are weak summons. FMVs are largely redundant. One-time dual party action. "Do you need me to tell you how to trigger your gunblade?" (Go over it with me again...). FFIX : MP-based system is back ... but now it's easier to restore MP, so you can use it more. MP only displays when you use abilities that use MP. Back to ATB system of FFVI and VII! More flagrant use of items than ever before! Only two perspectives available. A-abilities and S-abilities customisable, while fixed jobs retain individual flavour. Strangely realistic map serves little purpose other than Chocobo Hot and Cold. The Select button gives you Mog Aid! Best Storyline : "Alright, this is it. The end. Attempting to give this a ranking, or to even comment here, would be essentially equivalent to putting your head on the chopping block and leaving an axe not too far away. Therefore, again, I will not put any rankings. I'm pretty sure that everyone who has actually been reading this continuously already knows what I like and what I don't, so as a last roundup I shall simply state what I like and what I dislike about each game's storyline, and leave you to decide whether you agree with me or not. The end. Goodbye." FFIV : Fantasy setting! The most technologically advanced things are robots. Cecil's generally a good guy. 'The Prelude' gets played twice! Kain is fantastic! Most of the characters are generally cute. Edward is spoony, Rosa keeps getting in trouble, Edge acts pathetic, and Rydia is, well, Rydia. Achoo! Cid's inscrutable grin and refusal to die. Golbez is just like Darth Vader. Zeromus shouldn't have been there. I was laughing for quite a lot of the way through, and sad during the ending. Hardly anyone dies in the game. Now, if only the main character was as powerful as heroes should be. FFV : Warp time and space! Butz has a strange name, strange way of life and has no obvious love interest. Lenna keeps getting in trouble. Galuf is a mischievous, crochety old man with a goofy grin. Faris is just fantastic. Cara is ... weird. I felt for the Hiryuu, Butz's parents, and the Warriors of Dawn. King Tycoon dresses ... like a queen. ExDeath is the most evil thing (in a serious manner) out of Square. Gilgamesh is the most irritating (in a funny manner) thing out of Square. All the people who die are the heroic sort. Cleft of Dimension? Enuo? Evil tree? If only there was something that differentiated the characters from each other beyond graphics, storyline, and minor stat differences. FFVI : What, no magic in the world? No protagonist, yipee! Here come Biggs and Wedge! Am I the only one who thinks Terra has too many talents considering her ineptness? Locke is both hilarious, and has a depressing side. Who could have thought Edgar and Sabin would have ended up that way, and why? Celes is serious, straightforward, and undeniably tragic. People making fun of Cyan only heightens the nature of his misery. Gau made me feel. Strago and Relm tag-team. Setzer and Shadow portray the differences in free spirits. When Mog is around, the dialogue gets much funnier. Kefka is enshrined as the only funny villain in the history of FF, and he's sadistic to boot. Gestahl is both a megalomaniac and an oaf, while Leo is essentially human. The stories of dead people are sadder than the deaths of more. The most incredible script and character music ever. The ending, while carrying no meaning, is a balance of humour in animation, yet reflections and sadness in the music. Surpassed my wildest expectations, which admittedly started off low. FFVII : Evil corporation takes over the world! Didn't, and still don't understand what the hype about this is all about. Cloud has the most original, and most complex personality disorder ever. Tifa didn't do much except stand around. "Who ya calling mister Barret?" Sensible Red XIII is the target of all the jokes. Yuffie is so so so mischievous, an inspiration to us all! Cid's always *$@%^! but has an emotional side to him. Cait Sith and Vincent are just ... strange. Aeris is the best hero's love interest of any FF, and she is sweet and spunky without being annoying. Sephiroth ... who looks good, but is undeniably the most hateable bastard in any FF. Rufus is suave and smooth, while the mechanics of Shinra are hilarious to watch. The Turks are my favourite organisation in all FF, and they each have their own dress styles. The most hyped-about death ignores the senseless brutality of others'. The conclusion was insipid and drawn-out, however the way there is one of the most exciting and entertaining of all. Generally, it has the best music of all I've played. FFVIII : Defeat the evil sorceresses taking over the world! What's with all this bigotry against sorceresses anyway? Squall ... whatever ... until he became Squall Heartilly. Zell reminds me of an American teenager ... what, no hot dogs? Selphie is either sartorially challenged or has an aversion to seats (without desks in front of them). Seifer has a twisted inferiority complex, but retains mister superiority Rufus' incredible outfit. Irvine has a most unusual attitude and outfit, and is the only one whom I sympathised with. Quistis just about whips every one else in the game. Laguna is a klutz, Ward doesn't have much to say, and Kiros looks weird as second fiddle. You know who ruined the game for me, first acting irritating, forcing herself on Squall who was fine as he was, and then getting into trouble so absence makes the Heartilly grow fonder. Sorceress? I don't think so, try 'Dishrag'. And everyone is the same age ... why? It's not because they go to school together, which, lame as it is, would have been immensely better than the one in the game. No one dies. The ending is just like the game. The first part is fantastic, humorous, hilarious, original, and the second part is utter nonsense and drivel. Unfortunately it doesn't have the benefit of possibly having remained merely a Fainaru Fantajii Gaiden. FFIX : Back to real fantasy, hooray! The most technologically advanced things are airships ... with cannons. Finally, the enemy uses summons against you, though only in the story. Zidane is such a hilarious go-getter, and so far the only one who actually gets the girl. Is there a fad about cutting hair or something? Despite the illogical nature of Black Mage society Vivi is the greater emotional centre of the game. Steiner is Cyan with all of the endeavour, and none of the seriousness. Freya's tale of lost love is moving, but is never given centrestage. Me like Quina, Quina like lots of tasty yummy-yummies! Eiko and Yuffie are the most conniving little kids ever. Amarant has warped hair and a warped view of life, but one feels warm as the latter straightens. Kuja tries to be everything, but s/he really ends up nothing much at all, both in the story and as a character. If only those moving lines had come from her earlier, you wouldn't feel totally cheated by Beatrix. I never felt pity for the elephant lady, since there's no backstory. The last of Zorn and Thorn should have been seen in Alexandria's dungeon. I love all the references to the other games in the series! Death is frighteningly and appallingly portrayed, considering the cutesy nature of the graphics. The ending is hilarious and nonsensical, but I managed little more than a pleasant smile at the emotional parts. It was fantastic, and had so much potential. Seeing the way things have gone, however, maybe it is better that they had left it as Fainaru Fantajii Gaiden. And, as a last (lost?) comment ... I am Necron! I am the bringer of doom to all things! I am the end from which everything began! Your actions have proven to me that life seeks nothing more than its own destruction! And other stupid nonsense coming out of a weird robotic skeleton! Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering! Yadada, yodada! Analogy? Right, all of this crap could have been cut out of the post without affecting anything. And that's Necron for you, ruining what could have been a final conclusion in the showdown with Kuja. And so here he shall be, as a lame excuse instead of me actually writing some kind of conclusion. *Stupid Evil Laughter!* Mene : "I don't think you should do that, kupo ..." Necron is promptly Meteored, Cursed and Doomsdayed into oblivion by Ozma, the evil planet of doom. Ozma casts Curaga! Yay! posted by Charlotte | 3:34 pm (0) comments Sunday, February 22, 2004 Final Fan-tasty. And this is the end! No more! Really. I mean it. Having been out of touch with any numbered Final Fantasy for almost a month now, I feel that I am sorely inadequate to actually continue pretending that I know enough about it to comment. Oh, what a long overdue admission. Furthermore, FFT is really in a world if its own, genre-wise, at the very least, if you disagree with me, so you must understand why I seem to have forgotten so much so quickly. Then again, it is quite a feat to remember the first impressions I had when loading up FFIV for the first time ever, so maybe I do have it in me for one final bout. I've become so jaded with the whole concept of comparing something with another and finally considering one better that for this last time, I will attempt to rank not the worst to the best, but simply from the least of something to the most of something, and whether having more or less of something is better is wholly up to each individual player. Therefore, if up to now you are still out to kill me for blasting your favourite hero/villain/piece of music in my earlier postings I implore you to at least shorten the blade of your knife by a few inches. It's the least that could be done. Most Difficult FF : "My experience reading GameFAQs has taught me one of the most interesting things about games this popular. On one hand, there are guides upon guides telling you how to tweak your characters so that you can pass ever hurdle and conquer every evil villain, one the other hand there are guides telling you just what you can and should do to stick mountains in your path via various unusual challenges so that you can win the game in the most absurd way possible to heighten your enjoyment and appreciation of it in the process. Er, I just play with whatever I get, and from this single-minded way of playing through most games I believe it may be possible to evaluate just how difficult each FF is, in comparison with each other." 6. FFVI "I have played through this game three and a half times already, and in every time I have not experienced a single game over or screwed something up and thus meriting a reset. Well, of course, you can attribute this to the fact that a 'game over' sign doesn't even exist for FFVI, since there's an in-built option to let you try again should you lose. But I only ever saw that once, in the Fanatics Tower the first time I played when I didn't know you could only use the Magic command, and nothing else. Now is that good or bad? The games that have four characters, rather than three, are much easier due to the chance that one of them will survive, and can revive the others with at the very least double-digit HP." 5. FFIX "Again, I never saw the game over sign ... until I decided to stop resetting each time I got frustrated. Again, there aren't very many major stumbling blocks in this game ... the most memorable one for me was Steiner and Beatrix fighting off the Mistodons, when Beatrix said something like 'Enough of your valediction, Steiner, we'll live to fight another day' ... and they both promptly got trashed despite Steiner being in Trance. There are occasions when you'll reset because the random numbers are unkind to you or you make a decision that messes up the plotline (e.g. at Kuja's desert palace), but otherwise there shouldn't be any problems with it. Except Ozma, maybe, but it (s/he?) doesn't count." 4. FFVII "Oh, for this I received Game Over many, many times ... mainly because I wasn't looking where I was driving the submarine and kept crashing into Emerald Weapon or some other excuse like that. Random battles in FFVII also don't pose much of a challenge at all, however the bosses have been considerably souped up, for example Jenova : Life, the two headed dragon whose name eludes me (Schizo, as it seems), Carry Armour and Diamond Weapon among others, who are all capable of decimating your entire team with a well-placed spell or effect and can be impossible to beat without adequate preparation or lots of luck, but shouldn't be a problem in the presence of both. However, FFVII also boasts the most broken player attack of all, the infamous KotR, and all enemies in the second half of the game are no match for it. Well, except the weapons, of course, and magic pots before they are given an elixir. A well-balanced game and an adequate challenge." 3. FFVIII "This gets a notch up over its more illustrious predecessor for the simple reason that it is not the bosses which one finds challenging, but the simple random encounters ... which start to get increasingly complex as the game progresses. So far, FFVIII is the only game to have implemented a system of monsters scaling up in difficulty as your level increases, and hopefully it will stay that way. Basically, this makes it impossible to find 'easy' monsters late in the game (since arguably, magic aside, your characters remain fairly identical in abilities) for unsavoury purposes such as drawing or mugging them. The GF system also downgraded the powerhouses of the other FFs, the summons, by delaying their summoning and also making them killable. I don't mind that, since I dislike summons in the first place. There is even a collection of evil killer monsters who live on the islands closest to Heaven and Hell, namely the red Ruby Dragon, black Hexadragon, green Marlboro and the blue Blue Dragon, and their appearance in other areas causes such immense pain for your team that they are quite likely to be sent to either of the above destinations. Did I also mention you have to trigger the gunblade for Squall (and Seifer) to do full damage with their attacks? My S key on my keyboard is ruined forever. The only saving grace, difficulty-wise, is Triple Triad. Relish it." 2. FFIV "And how else could you make your game harder? Difficult bosses, difficult walkabout enemies, and finally we have in FFIV, weak characters. That's right, there is absolutely nothing exceptionally good about any of the characters in FFIV (beyond Kain who gives me 3000 damage, mana-free, on a regular basis ... and to a lesser extent Rosa and Rydia, and Edge's throws, I guess). You might as well have one, or the other, or any combination of them. If you had, oh say, Cid, Edward, Palom and Porom instead of Rosa, Rydia, Yang and Kain, your game would not be exceptionally more difficult. This also negates the seemingly obvious advantage that is having five characters on the field, hardly one at all considering the massive amount of damage monsters dole out to you and your mediocre characters' ability to reply in kind, in equal proportions. And Cecil is a pathetic damage dealer of a hero compared to, oh say, a rot-talking, dagger-wielding monkey boy. The monsters are tough, and your characters aren't, enough said." 1. FFV "This is debatable, but for me this was by far the hardest FF of the lot. This can largely be attributed to my unusual playing habits, such as steadfastly refusing to change my job class even though a simple switch-and-go would ensure I breeze through the entire scene. But the Straight-Character-Challengers would argue that any job class could get through the game on their own, couldn't they? FFV is not so much a game of brawn or magic, but one that is more like a puzzle. Some areas of the game are more suited for some characters or some abilities, and others for others, and the puzzle is finding out just what this 'ideal' path is, and switching to it. But for me I never bothered to find that 'path', considering it too disruptive, and thus I was dealt the difficult hand which I'm currently ranting about. The second time I played I used spellcasters alone, and while I had difficulty at the beginning it soon smoothened out, proving that as long as you have perseverance and intuition to deal with the challenges in new ways you shouldn't need to find the ideal 'path' to get through the game. Another gripe would be the presence of 'unbeatable' monsters in FFV, such as the goblin in the Woruz Castle's dungeon, the Dohlm Chimera at the desert near Karnak and the Skull Eaters at the Jacole cave, which, in the absence of having levelled to an obscene degree, try as you might, you cannot defeat them with any class or abilities, and if you meet them you have to run away. Isn't this unfair? Yes it is, and stupid too, taking 'difficulty' to extremes. But it wouldn't be a challenge if you could just put them down like any other monster, would there? And, of course, the famous ten minutes to escape Karnak castle while being tempted to remain by all the treasure scattered about ... mmm ..." Most Customisable FF : "Customisability, like difficulty, is also a double-edged sword. If the player isn't allowed to change much, you find yourself griping that you're forced to go through the game in a particular way, or that there aren't enough options open to you, or simply that the game becomes monotonous. On the other hand, if you can change all you want, the hassle of repeated customising can become irritating, especially when the game expects you to do so if you want to progress, and if the difficulty is not on par with the customisability one may even find themselves condemning the game as being too easy, due to the numerous loopholes offered to the player. Therefore, again, there is no best or worst, simply one that you favour and prefer over others." 6. FFIV "The only thing you can really change are your characters' equips. That is it, everything else is handed to you on a silver platter, whether you like it or not. No changing of party members, or their jobs, and even magic is given to you as you level up, meaning that each time you play the game you will be basically going through the same thing over again. Even the formation is limited, while you can choose which character ought to be in the first position or the last one, the number of front row and back row slots is fixed (three of one, two of the other) so sometimes you're forced to put a weak character in front simply because there aren't any slots, for example, Edge, when FuSoYa is in your team. The throwback to the fixed play of FFI really irked the people who enjoyed the job system in FFIII, and the only advantage as far as I can see is that the storyline is much more coherent without all that switching around." 5. FFVI "People who dislike FFVI would say that the notion of everyone learning magic in a fantasy campaign is pretty nonsensical, and I don't disagree (although that's not a very strong reason for disliking FFVI). FFVI retains the fixed-job system of FFIV, where everyone has one set job ability, and the only difference is that everyone can equip Espers and learn magic to be used in battle. Other relaxations include the freedom to create the party and formation of your choice (and you can have incomplete parties, the only FF that allows you to do that). However, there are no supporting abilities in FFVI (as there were in FFV) so you must rely on your equips to protect you against enemies' special attacks. When everyone is associated with a particular job, it is easier to create a more structured plot around them and again makes it not only more coherent but more emotive and appreciable. 4. FFIX "You can change your characters' equips and formations, and choose which attack abilities (hence, A-abilities) and support abilities (hence, S-abilities) you want to learn. As is expected, however, you can only equip a restricted number of S-abilities. The restrictions are that you cannot change your characters' jobs and the A-abilities that are equipped, however, you can deliberately limit the number of A-abilities you have available if you so choose. You learn abilities from your equips, which gives you one reason not to throw away the low-level stuff you received at the beginning of the game (the other one being synthesis). This provides for a good, well-balanced game, where you can change your equipment and abilities to protect against your enemies such as those with elemental or status attacks, but where your characters essentially remain in the same job class. My favourite, as far as customisability goes, and the story makes for one of the most hilarious yet emotional ones around." 3. FFVIII "Things seem to have suddenly been cut short here. Characters have no equips, that's right, no armour, helm, accessories or anything, and they only have their weapons and improved versions of them which are not distinct in themselves, simply adding damage. Furthermore, the formation has been thrown out of the game entirely, and there are no front or back rows, even though it is blindingly obvious who should be in the front and who in the back. Where the customisability begins is, however, the junction system, where GFs (no, not Garden Fighters) hold abilities that your characters can junction, or abilities that allow your characters to junction magic to their stats. This allows you to change your elemental and status resistances to adapt to your situation, while you can junction A and S abilities as you please, to a limit of course. And, while one GF offers you so much, you can junction two and double your fun ... or at least the areas where you can junction magic to. Magic is also drawn, not earned or bought, and thus allows you free reign as to your magic capabilities and even harks to the Dungeon and Dragons style of magic, where the amount of magic spells you can cast are not limited by mana but by the spells you've prepared. And this is the first game where you can throw away the stupid Item command! Hooray! I never used that thing ... until FFIX. The problem? GFs are mediocre as a fighting force, which is their primary use, and I think the lack of equips is just a reason to allow you-know-who and Selphie to strut about the whole game wearing those skimpy little outfits. Hmm ... (Irvine : Head - Stupid Cowboy Hat. Defence +999!) But the junction system itself is one that is original, interesting, and that I laud most deservedly. Plus, it introduced the word 'Junction' to my vocabulary ... I'll just Junction my Espers, my Materia, my A and S-abilities, et cetera." 2. FFVII "Somehow, in the course of Kefka smashing up the world, all helms and armour somehow got coalesced into a single bracelet. Or was that Shinra's fault? No matter, the point being that all you have are a weapon, a bracelet, and a cute little accessory to keep you in one piece as you face Sephiroth. And did I mention those shiny little balls as well? Materia are the heart and soul of FFVII, giving you all your A-abilties and S-abilities in the form of Magic, Summon, Command and Support materia, which you can mix and match as you please. So what this means is that anybody can become anything, be it a fighter, a mage or a utility character, although of course some characters are tailored for certain jobs. Though I've been tempted to stick Aeris in front to beat the crap out of those Shinra goons while Barret sits at the back healing and cheering her on. Those stat differences, the choice of weapons, and the limit breaks are the only thing that differentiate the characters. And, as you know, limit breaks make a big difference. Why use Catastrophe or Cosmo Memory when you can let loose with Omnislash and Highwind? And their gender matters as well, in determining whether they can equip the Minerva Band or the Escort Guard. The twin systems of materia and limits allow you to see FFVII characters either way, highly standardised or highly indivualistic, and this gets a one-up over FFVIII simply because of the immense number of materia you can equip as compared to a paltry eight A and S abilities (and that is nothing to laugh at, in itself). 1. FFV "Erroneously enough, the job system seems much less customisable than materia in the sense that you can only hold one job, and two A or S abilities at a time while you can equip all the materia you wish and have a three-column action bar. However, the difference is that unlike materia, you can actually progress in jobs and earn more abilities, giving you a bigger pool to mix and match from compared to materia you have to share among all your characters. While only one character can wear KotR paired with MP Absorb in FFVII, you can make all your characters in FFV murderers with X-magic and Bahamut summon, and Mime too, for good measure. And you can cast those as many times as you have mana or patience for, unlike KotR which takes an insane amount of levelling just to get another use of. Of course, the other perks are having four characters instead of three, and having a choice of helms, armour and accessories to provide defences and weapons with different abilities to create different attacks. And once you master a job class, you gain all the passive (no need to equip) abilities of that class, for free! Who's up for creating hulking monstrosities here? And, when you buy or pick up your magic, you can choose just those that fit your playing style, allowing for not-very-subtle manipulation of the random elements of the game, the Magic Lamp, for example. The cost of all this customisability? The fact that it doesn't matter who's on your team, beyond one or two point stat differences. The storyline suffers as a result, plus several bloopers emerge, such as when Butz shouts 'Cure 3' at Galuf when I don't remember ever teaching him a single level of White Mage. The game also expects you to take advantage of customisability to its fullest and throws all manner of obstacles in your path (see above), and for someone who resolutely refuses to change jobs like me that means a hell of difficulty. Too little customisability is bad, but having too much doesn't make the game any better." The Longest FF (wo-wo-wo-wo ... for the longest ...) : "Okay, another neutral ranking, it depends how much you want to make out of it. Only people attempting challenges or those idiots trying to speed through games to get through the next will appreciate a short game. Then again, a game that is too long will dull you and make you long for the ending just so you can watch it and get over something that has obviously been disappointing you thus far. My judging is based on the second time I play the game, which is when I have knowledge of and attempt to complete all the mini-quests as far as my current levels allow. Super-bosses like the Weapons, Shinryu or Ozma are definitely out of the question, because they're there to test how far you can push the game at its very limits, not how far you can push your characters at your current levels and abilities. Other than those, everything else must be completed, including collecting a full set of Triple Triad (but not Tetra Master, since you don't get a reward or even conceivable recognition by the game of your doing so), Here we go! 6. FFVI "Is it me, or is this because I managed to play through the game three and a half times and still have room for more? Is it because the game is easy, or I enjoy the game, or I've learnt so much about it that I can breeze through. No major obstacles or stopping points at all, even in my quest to snatch every reward possible out of the Colosseum (except the Illumina sword, because I prefer the Ragnarok esper). Apart from that and Kefka's tower, the other place I spent the most time in was the Fanatics' Tower. The lack of sub-quests and mini-games would probably be FFVI's short-coming (lousy pun), but FFIV and FFV had even less, and they took me much longer. Hmm." 5. FFIX "Tetra Master aside, this game breezes through very quickly. The only thing that kept the game longer was Chocobo Hot and Cold, which starts off slow but you will be able to get over it quickly once Choco is of a higher class and you know the location of the treasures from the beginning, having played the game before. Tetra Master is the only other major mini-game, but it is more of a distraction than any real aid in the game since, as I said, you don't get any reward out of completing it, as well as the difficulty of acquiring rare cards (and, for that matter, powerful copies of rare cards), making it just like a real collectible card game and thus, not something you will finish anytime soon. The other mini-game which held me for a long time was Hippaul Racing, dragging me out by one week after I repeatedly sprained my shoulder over it, but the race time itself was short and that is what counts, so that isn't really important. And I couldn't be bothered to jump rope, settling for a quick 10 gil and no more. I had no problems with the plot, although, in my opinion, they should have cut the game short at the Iifa Tree and released the game as Fainaru Fantajii Gaiden. And the game would be one of the best, not to mention the shortest one on the list (but it wouldn't be on a list, since it wouldn't be a numbered FF ...)." 4. FFVII "The longest thing you will ever spend your time on in FFVII is Chocobo Racing, and that accounts for, oh say four hours at most, and after that you will have HP>MP, Quadra Magic, Mime and KotR materia, which will greatly speed up your progress to make up for all the time you spent at the Gold Saucer. Due to its moderate (i.e., not too challenging, not too easy) difficulty this game should not take too long otherwise, unless you're one of those Gold Saucer freaks who tries to top every mini-game there (I only played Mog House, for the GP, and Submarine Hunt, because I like the submarine ...) and buy out the rare items from the Battle Square and Speed Square. If I ever felt this game was long, it was in Cloud's reflection scenes when too much time is spent simply walking around and talking without doing anything. Such scenes were cut to a minimum by FFIX. As to FFVIII, at least you fight when Laguna's around, while on the other more distasteful half ... well ... you know." 3. FFIV "The extreme linearity of the game drags it out, so if you play this more than once you'll start to feel it getting longer ... and longer ... but chronologically it is of average length and shouldn't eat up too much of your time. There are no mini-games to distract you, only three optional dungeons (Sylph Cave, Land of Summoned Monsters, and Cave Bahamut), and only a long and convoluted storyline to keep you going as Cecil pursues Golbez in an effort to reclaim the crystals. Nothing much to say, and that is good ... well, except that there should have been some mini-games, or maybe a few earlier optional dungeons. Or that they should have made Zeromus more handsome, or something like that." 2. FFVIII "Apart from Triple Triad, this game is long because of frequent and flagrant use of full motion videos, such as when introducing every single character (Quistis ... seductive smile, Zell ... punch-punch kick, Irvine ... tip his hat and play with a butterfly, Selphie ... fall off a hill while wearing mini-version of Balamb uniform and nearly do something obscene). The game also has a tendency to break into FMV at many times, such as at the war between Balamb and Galbadia garden, without explaining anything or anything actually happening in the FMV, rendering it rather irrelevant. The Chocobo sidequest shouldn't take you too long, since it is a set puzzle rather than something random, so if you do it once you can do it again anytime. FFVIII also has a wealth of optional treasures that you have to walk around for, such as "gimme elixir please" PuPu, or the Lake Obel mystery ("The treasure's not here! No, it really isn't!"), or even the hidden draw points that allow you to have powerful spells earlier than you're supposed to. And some of these are incredible frustrating, considering that all these things are invisible on the world map and you have to walk around blindly and tap your keys. And mister serious himself Squall Leonhart looks extremely ridiculous doing so. Triple Triad itself, despite being the main consumer of my time, was fun to play, especially when Elemental was enabled and Open wasn't (no, as enthusiastic as I sound, I despise the Random rule). Plus, you can get some powerful cards early on (Minimog, Quistis, Zell, for example) and yet still preserve the challenge of playing the game itself. You can mod the card's you've earned to get some useful items, and if you complete your collection you get a little star showing that you're the greatest, yay! The other mini-games and subquests pale in comparison to Triple Triad, and despite its length, it was fantastic. Triple Triad, not FFVIII. You-know-who, enough!" 1. FFV "Um, how did FFV get the 'most' of something three times in a row? I have no idea, but if you're into excesses this game might be for you. There are three worlds for you to adventure in and twenty-one job classes to explore while trying to save four crystals. In the process, you fight ExDeath four times, and meet Gilgamesh six times. There are nine bosses waiting for you in the Cleft of Dimension, which in itself should count as another world since it is basically a dungeon with ten parts to it, with nothing but a recovery pot and three save points within. You have six methods of transportation, Boco, a Hiryuu, a ship, a black Chocobo, an airship, and a submarine. Last of all, there are thirty floors to the Phoenix tower, which you must climb to the top of if you want your last summon. Yes, thirty, that is correct. I don't think there's a need for you to ask me why I think this game is long, long! If it's any consolation there are only five player characters in the game, and only four are with you at any time, compared to the game with the second least, FFI with a choice of four out of six. Enjoy ... I guarantee you'll be spending a lot of time on this." posted by Charlotte | 3:08 pm (0) comments Disclaimer : The Slayers and Filia Ul Copt and all images thereof are the property of Hajime Kanzaka and Rui Araizumi. I don't own any of them, although if I had a choice I would want Filia ... ~//n_n\\7 |
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