Where chaos stops and more chaos ensues. Where Filia plays the electric keyboard.
Where anything goes.
-//o_O\\7 *Home of the Awful, Mediocre and Pathetic* -//u_u\\7
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Where chaos stops and more chaos ensues. Where Filia plays the electric keyboard. Where anything goes. -//o_O\\7 *Home of the Awful, Mediocre and Pathetic* -//u_u\\7 |
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Sunday, July 06, 2003
Sigh. I am very, very tired. It's been one long week of somewhere within the vicinity of the nine hells. What happened last week was, much rather, somewhere in the depths of it. Basically, my hard disk died. That's it. I've ... lost ... everything!!! (interpret phrase yourself and alternately offer consolation or hideous mocking laughter) What have I lost which I might seriously have difficulty replacing, or even substituting? 1½ chapters of my novel. That's a good 30 pages at font size 10, Goudy Medieval font, bolded. And every single drop of creativity that went into it, gone. Bloody well gone. At least the other, um 70++ chapters of the novel didn't go along with it. That's what I was threatening to kill myself over, and since I didn't lose absolutely everything, I've witheld my decision to top myself for the time being, though I've indeed given it quite some thought. The only other truly important, irreplaceable thing I lost would by my archive of my region's forum postings on NationStates, though I doubt anyone on my region (apart from me) seriously cares or has even thought about re-reading them. Other things irreplaceable, but not really important, would be numerous saved games for whatever games I had ... yes, I do play computer games *shock, horror*! The replaceable things I lost, then, would be my Windows settings (easily fixed, though this time I'm not bothering to), several of my own mp3s copied from Slayers CDs (re-copied within a single night), some Slayers images in my collection (which ... theoretically, could be replaced ...), numerous pointless emails, and miscellaneous Windows programs, updates and patches which I suppose I only really use once before forgetting that they exist. I suppose what a complete stranger would be wondering would be why my as yet unpublished novel is so important to me, besides the fact that I have vested four year's worth of time thinking about or writing it. Basically, I wrote my life into it. It isn't an autobiography, it's a fantasy novel. Weird things happen in fantasy, right? What I've done is that I've combined my ideal fantasy world with my ideal real-life world (as in, whatever would be able to translate, like attitudes, personalities etc, but not technology or architecture or whatnot), to me perfect, but ultimately alternately wrecked and restored by the powers of fallible humanity. Imperfect humans in a perfect world. Unless you're Hegel, practically every religion and society acknowledges humans are flawed. I'm one of those flawed humans, and in creating my work, I've expressed every aspect of my personality which I feel is important to me, whether it is those aspects themselves, or the reverse of them, or some blend of the two. Put them together, you get chaos. A disintegrating chaos. Order disintegrating into chaos, or chaos disintegrating into a sterile lassitude one could perceive as a rather perverse kind of order. On the surface, it's just another story, but it's a way of putting my thoughts and ideals into a kind of unlivable reality. It's your entertainment, and my release. I assert that every good novel must be self-indulgent affair (Lit S!), for if an author fails to inject their own self into their work it becomes nothing more than a moneyspinner. Ask J.K. Rowling why she's writing ... to make money? That would only have been a correct assertion at the beginning of her career when she was struggling in financial difficulties. Now she's writing more to live up to a hype that is snowballing into incredible proportions ... ah ... just joking. She writes because it's her, her story and her life (yeah, I know some claim that she has planned the whole thing from the beginning but I don't believe a word of it. Try writing a novel, and then you'll know that that can't be the case). That's why it's my life, and if I lose my novel I've lost ... well, four years of my life. Is it worth losing the rest of those years just because you've already lost four? Most certainly not. But were those four years more important than the preceding fourteen? Most certainly, and certainly by more than 14/4 times. That's what kept me in my impasse, and I feel that unless I can get those files back (they're currently in the hands of a data recovery professional) whatever has defined me so far might be irretrievably lost. Well, alright, 1½ out of 70+ chapters of it. Shall not comment about common tests. I'm not into common-tating, you see? Haha ... lame. It's bad luck. After my week long break, I think I shall discontinue my coffee count. Apparently, in that period, some jerk won some money in 4D ostensibly out of taking my numbers, told that to me, then refused to give me any of their share. Bloody hell. Well, okay, they did, but it's going to the data recovery professional who (I hope) is working day and night on my hard disk. Sigh. Let's just say that if I haven't had any coffee, you'd be able to tell, i.e. I don't come to school, and it's a school day. Or I come to school on Sunday to throw myself off the roof. Well. Tomorrow, if I'm not distracted (by my acquiring of XP1, TFT and V1.10 all at once), I shall comment about how I managed to survive that time, endlessly fretting about my computers, and going for the common tests while only having studied for two out of six subjects. By the way, my email is dead (i.e. I haven't reinstalled the program) so I shall not receive anything that has been emailed to me, and I don't really intend to, at least not unless someone tells me they have sent something important, or until I get my files back from my hard disk. posted by Charlotte | 4:53 pm
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Disclaimer : The Slayers and Filia Ul Copt and all images thereof are the property of Hajime Kanzaka and Rui Araizumi. I don't own any of them, although if I had a choice I would want Filia ... ~//n_n\\7 |
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