Where chaos stops and more chaos ensues. Where Filia plays the electric keyboard.
Where anything goes.
-//o_O\\7 *Home of the Awful, Mediocre and Pathetic* -//u_u\\7
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Where chaos stops and more chaos ensues. Where Filia plays the electric keyboard. Where anything goes. -//o_O\\7 *Home of the Awful, Mediocre and Pathetic* -//u_u\\7 |
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Monday, October 20, 2003 Waiting for death. Waiting for death to come. If I died right now, I wouldn't resent it at all. Not immediately, at least. My confidence has been severely dulled, my talents (or whatever existed of them) have been proven unfounded and worst of all a cracking, illy enduring headache has followed me for the weekend and some more. In short, I'm worthless. Really. *Think, my friends ... or enemies, as the case may be, what could I willingly do for you that I could do well?* What, sing? Squeal? Whine? Bah, you don't need sensibility to perceive my worthlessness. Think of all the wealth and privilege having gone down the drain, wasted on an unworthy scoundrel. Taking everything for granted. Sometimes I wish I had nothing, as though I know it would be painful, it would at least confirm my place, or lack thereof, in the world. The funniest part of it all is that this has nothing to do with the exams. It doesn't, right? I'm not drunk ... Okay, fine, maybe it does, but I don't see how completing my exams (as opposed to doing well for them) would alleviate my situation any more, apart from the fact that I could waste myself away with just that little bit more wanton abandon. Haha, but I won't kill myself, because I'm afraid of pain. I hope that one day my heart or my head simply give out on me and I die. Painful, yes, but effective, and completely involuntary. Or one day I shall take an overdose. But what of? I'm not a pharmaceuticist. Yeah, okay, so no one can really help because they don't know, hell, I don't know what's bugging me. Perhaps it's a desire to be useful, or to be wanted. The only person who would have felt so so far would be myself, and that's something that ended ... not so much recently but within reminisceable history. One feels so helpless in the face of inexorable ... nature? chance? providence? And yet it comes with the understanding that if only, well, if only nothing. I don't know. Perhaps I should make a will or something. Right now, the only thing I really want is for everything that I have, or used to have, to be perfectly untouched and unharmed, and whoever who inherits them treat them with respect. As to me, there should be none. Is this no rest for the wicked? I do not want to get up any more. "Glamis hath murdered sleep, and Cawdor, Shall sleep no more, Macbeth shall sleep no more!" "Thou lackst the season of all natures, sleep." "And by a sleep we say we end, the heartache, and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished." -Miscellaneous quotes reflecting my tormented state of mind. I wish I was a tragic heroine. Then at least I know that I'll die sometime in the next few hours. posted by Charlotte | 4:12 pm
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Disclaimer : The Slayers and Filia Ul Copt and all images thereof are the property of Hajime Kanzaka and Rui Araizumi. I don't own any of them, although if I had a choice I would want Filia ... ~//n_n\\7 |
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