Where chaos stops and more chaos ensues. Where Filia plays the electric keyboard.
Where anything goes.
-//o_O\\7 *Home of the Awful, Mediocre and Pathetic* -//u_u\\7
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Where chaos stops and more chaos ensues. Where Filia plays the electric keyboard. Where anything goes. -//o_O\\7 *Home of the Awful, Mediocre and Pathetic* -//u_u\\7 |
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Monday, January 19, 2004 Sigh ... I am in not too particularly good a mood to write something amusing (or to put you to sleep, as the case may be) so maybe I shall blather about some nonsense to keep myself amused. Oh, you were listening (yeah, right!)? I think I can guess when I am going to die. No, don't speculate. I said "guess", not "know". And the time for dying consists of, um, a random variable in an undetermined interval, so unless you want to punch calculators until it happens you could do something else more productive, like grow mouldy. I kind of realised it this morning when I was sitting on the third floor of Changi General Hospital's specialist clinics centre. For starters, I was in a really good mood because I had gone to sleep singing ... whispering ... murmuring ... some Japanese jingles from TV, and then I woke up suitably late (considering that I've been waking up at 7+ every morning as if I need to go to work) and refreshed and when I got to CGH the nice girl at the desk handing out chips for temperature inspection greeted me very politely (well, that's more of adding on than anything substantial). So I was in a very good mood despite, probably, in spite of what was coming up next. As you can tell, it's not often that I'm in a good mood. I realise that I'm often happy when I don't have to make any decisions or to calculate anything, because it's already decided (and, of course, I'm agreeable to it). Basically, when I'm happy, I'm not thinking. Being the kind who is easily amused by anything often better described as "stupid", such as the great majority of humour fanfiction, when I'm happy I can laugh at just about anything, despite being in a most sacrosanct place such as the hospital (or even a place of oppression and torment, but that's another story). You are most happy when you don't know, or can't analyse just what it is that makes you feel good, because then no matter how much you try to deny your happiness with rationality it just won't go away. And, believe me, rationality practically insists on the detrimental effects of happiness. And then I realised that if I died, I would be dying happily. If I leapt out of the window, I'd be happy until the very moment I hit the ground, in which case, most hopefully, I would be dead. And, when I thought about killing myself the only thing that came to mind was happiness, being in a happy mood. Other emotions fueled by rationality, such as the consequences, the losses, the aftershocks on family and friends simply didn't exist, because I simply wasn't being rational. In short, I was pretty much drunk on happiness, and I can get drunk on many things (like water, coffee, and Coca-Cola ... never having touched alcohol since being above the minimum age). So, my guess is one day when I'm feeling happy, and I happen to be near a ledge many stories above ground or in front of a very fast moving vehicle, I might just die from the happiness of it all. It is probably rather interesting that one who can find some (albeit very little) joy in life can also find it in death. Of course, I'm often in various positions where it is very convenient (and tempting) to commit suicide but it is rare that I'm feeling happy. Also, it's got to be a quick death, else you might spend the last moments bleeding to death, or retching, or screaming in pain and regretting your decision (um, then again, I can hardly imagine myself in such a position when I'm happy). So, the odds of it happening? Not very high. My advice is that you bet on something safer, like football or horses or TOTO. Though, if you need to divine 4D numbers off my corpse, you're welcome to do so. Just burn a bit of ghost money for me, won't you? posted by Charlotte | 3:26 pm
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Disclaimer : The Slayers and Filia Ul Copt and all images thereof are the property of Hajime Kanzaka and Rui Araizumi. I don't own any of them, although if I had a choice I would want Filia ... ~//n_n\\7 |
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