Where chaos stops and more chaos ensues. Where Filia plays the electric keyboard.
Where anything goes.
-//o_O\\7 *Home of the Awful, Mediocre and Pathetic* -//u_u\\7
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Where chaos stops and more chaos ensues. Where Filia plays the electric keyboard. Where anything goes. -//o_O\\7 *Home of the Awful, Mediocre and Pathetic* -//u_u\\7 |
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Thursday, March 04, 2004 - A Way with Words, Part VIII.ii - 24. The book? The book ... you don't mean ... no ...! "Aei ... I'm warning you ..." I stammered as I did my very best to back away from her, advancing upon me bearing a menacing grin of malice, "I haven't lost my temper yet ... I get violent when I'm cornered, you know!" "Don't be stupid, I'm not cornering you!" she giggled as, despite her words, she continued to edge her way toward me at a pace faster than I was edging away from her, "I just think you need ... a makeover, since you're going to have to pose as the Princess." "A makeover?" I yelped, practically gagging. Was she really serious? All those jokes on the way to town, then in the middle of talking to her friends in the town, and now ... was she really going to do something to me? I didn't mind the idea of getting a new look, but it was preferable that I be safe back where I belong at the time, and that makeover not be done by a psychopathic, maniacal little kid with a penchant for satirism. "Y ... you're not going to touch me! I don't care how nice you think you can make me, I'm not putting anything else on ... or taking anything off, for that matter!" "My, you're really taking this personally, aren't you?" she murmured in a tone of bemusement, before turning on me again with that same sinister smile, "It can't hurt, really. Since you're not from around here, why not take my advice on how to dress your best. You don't know anything about the Princess, do you?" "Well, no, I don't ... but neither do you! You said so yourself!" I retorted, very much distraught, "I'm not a whore! This is my body, and I'm very possessive of it! It's not some toy for you to ... to practice on! Don't you even dare!" "Sigh, all right, fine ... I guess I'll respect your wish ... for now," she sighed as, folding her arms defensively, she finally let off pursuing me, "I was figuring something like this might happen, since you're the difficult, repressed, and unreasonably prudish sort." She turned about to fetch something, something which she had left on the corner table beside the sofa. "What do you mean by that? Do you mean that you live an incredibly more liberal and easygoing life than I do?" I protested, hurt and unnerved by her remarks, "Or is your unmannerly behaviour with me the product of a life constricted by suppression and limitation?" "Yeah, yeah, enough with the witty comebacks and retorts and over-the-head psychoanalyses ..." she murmured as she retrieved the object she had left, and returned to smile toothily at me. You mean they had psychoanalysis in this medieval world? "I'm glad I brought this book from the library back there. I was thinking that you wouldn't want me to do you up anything nice ... *sniff* what wasted talent *sniff sniff* ... so it's best that if you decide not to look like royalty, you should at least sound like it! That's what this book is about!" "And, pardon me, but what does it say on the front?" I asked, utterly clueless as to the written language of the people here. Perhaps Aei had explained it to me a while back, but staring at its front as she held its base with both hands, the ornate and elaborate runes were utterly indiscernible to even my deepest ciphering skills. "'How to Sound A Right and Royal'," she declared, taking a peek at its front before returning it to my view, "Since you're the Royal Princess, you should sound like ... like a Royal sort of person. Doesn't that make sense?" "But I sound perfectly fine the way I am!" I insisted unhappily, "And the title of that book doesn't even sound right. Don't you mean 'How to Sound Upright and Royal'? A book publisher wouldn't be so careless as to leave a typographical error right on the cover!" "Huh? No, I said, 'How to Sound A Right and Royal' ... hey, you're right, it doesn't make sense!" that realisation coming a little too late, she grasped the top of the book tightly and stared right into its cover ... "Oh, I misread it. It's actually 'How to Sound A Right and Royal ... Twit'?" Uh, what? "You know, Aei, I feel perfectly honoured that I actually need training in such a ... not a discipline ... such a thing!" I groaned as I planted my face into my hands in my misery. And I felt that I should do more, such as falling to pieces like a shattered vase, if only to dissipate the effects of such a mind-numbing farce. "Honoured, of course! A Princess is supposed to be an honourable person!" she giggled as she thumbed through the book, the contents of which, of course, I could not understand, "Anyway ... maybe this book was written by some anti-aristocratic commoner who was trying to make some money out of something of human interest. Surely he wouldn't have thought that it would actually come in useful!" "What, you're really going to use that thing?"I gasped as she mouthed a few words and made some unusual hand gestures, before opening its pages to me and proceeding to instruct me in the language of royalty ... royal twittiness. "Right! Your first lesson, dear Princess," she began cheerily as she waved a knowing finger ... before gazing at my vacant expression and realising that there really wasn't a point in opening the book to me seeing as to how there were no pictures, "All right, try something like this. Change all your words to things like ... like thee, and thou. I shouldn't need to explain it to you because you've read some books where they use those words ... um ... there are books where you come from, right?" "Well, of course there are books! We're not illiterate, or enjoy carrying slabs of engraved stone around with us!" I retorted, realising that making fun of other people's cultures was a natural response between foreigners, "And ... but nobody really talks like that, do they?" "No, but ... if you want to make yourself stand out, and sound profound and mighty, you should try," she asserted. Oh heck, since this whole Princess thing was a joke is it already was, I guess there wasn't much harm in making it even more ridiculous than it already was. "And you can try referring to yourself in the third person, and use lots of long words, and sound ... really strange. There's a list of examples in this book ... I could read it out for you if you wanted." "Nay, we must decline thy humble offer," I replied nonchalantly in a voice as emotionless as possible, difficult considering how inside of me I was on the verge of bursting with either shame or laughter, "We do perceive the great extent of our abilities in extending the degrees of our conversation to such a level, and therefore thy assistance, well-intentioned as it may be, would be unnecessary." "W ... wha ... wow! I can't believe it!" Aei gasped as she drew back in surprise, dropping the book on the floor in the process as she gaped at me, trying my hardest to stifle laughter and groaning simultaneously, "You're good at this! Are you a princess in the world where you come from, too?" "Gah! I can't stand this! No, no, no, no, no!!" I screamed as Aei got on her knees and made several grovelling bows out of respect of the incredible magnificence of yours truly, "It's just that ... we learn stuff like this in school, where we read books where people speak like that! I'm not royalty or anything, it's just something we're taught!" "Oh, so they're teaching you to be a royal person?" Aei inquired coyly as I smacked my face into the arm of the couch in horror, "Great, so you have the lessons, and now you can put what you've learned into practice!" "No, you ... you doofus!" I whined as she continued grinning at me in that inscrutably mischievous fashion, "We learn it in school because ... because it's something interesting to learn and remember, but it's not something to be used! It's just something to know, so you can understand when people talk like that ... in books! It's not like people go to school to be trained to be nobles, you know!" "Hehehe ... you're so good at this, darling, that you don't even need to go to school to be royal," Aei giggled, rolling on the floor and practically in tears. Evidently, it was obvious who was enjoying this ridiculous shot at royalty more. "So we don't need this book, then. Just sound like that to everyone, and you're set!" "You can't make me!" I hissed defensively as I retreated to hide myself behind the arm of the couch, "I'm the one doing the talking, and if I don't want to there's nothing you can do about it!" "But ... but surely you want to be as convincing a Princess as possible, if you want to get home, right?" she sniggered evilly, while stuffing the book into a dress pocket. "And I won't be, if you insist on me sounding like a royal twit!" I snarled, baring a pair of finely sharpened canines. "Honestly, no body around here knows what a truly royal person sounds like, so you might as well follow what the book says," she argued rather vehemently, though unconvincingly. Why should I trust a book that had 'twit' as part of its title? "And don't forget, you're not supposed to be responding to 'Princess', so you should have that something ... something in your speech, that makes you special!" Well, all right, she had a point there. But it was seriously damaging to my mental health to actually attempt to consistently speak in such a ridiculous manner. Speaking of a convenient opportunity, however ... "Princess? My good Princess, are you there?" that same matronly voice rang out from behind the door, accompanied by a series of stuttering raps upon the door, "I'm sorry if I was interrupting anything, but ... you see, we are short of time ..." "Um, er, just hold on a ... eep ..." I was about to reply in full when Aei shot me a rather critical glance which meant ... unfortunately, my reflexive reaction had overriden the strict and direct requirements of our master plan, not to reply to any summons by that particular title. Right, so I goofed. "Look, it's no problem with me if you want to play the part in full," Aei hissed, glancing at me sideways, "But at least be honest about it and stop lying to me as to your intentions." "I ... that wasn't intentional!" I protested helplessly knowing that I had been careless again, "But we should be going now. We shouldn't be keeping that lady waiting any more than is absolutely necessary, with all your ridiculous attempts to change the way I behave!" "I don't need to attempt it!" she asserted with a childlike huffiness, "You're already good enough at it! Now go out and show your skill!" "No, I shan't," I huffed similarly as I glanced away in that same childlike argumentativeness. "You should!" she demanded insistently. "I shan't!" "Should!" "Princess ... is there anything wrong? We have a very pressing matter at hand here, and it would be much appreciated if you could ... well ..." the lady outside stammered uneasily, "If you could make haste ..." "See what you're doing by acting so difficult!" Aei sniffed as she spat accusingly at me, "You're making her wait even longer! Not being very considerate, are you?" "Look, I just want to set this straight, all right?" I decided to put my foot down on the issue as I got on my feet to glare down on the still childishly persistent girl, "I'm not a Princess. But, if I'm supposed to pretend to be a Princess, that is pretending not to be a Princess, doesn't it make sense that I not sound like a Princess?" "I don't understand your circular argument," she grumbled as she got up from the sofa and returned that resentful stare, before turning away, "But it's not nice to keep that pleasant lady waiting, so ..." "So ... hey, wait! No ... don't!" I yelped and reached out to grasp her, but it was too late as with her speediness, she dashed around the couch and for the doorway, turning the doorknob and yanking the heavy wooden door open ... "I ... oh, I am sorry ...!" the lady outside cried as she stood in the newly opened doorway, her fist still raised to rap on the door once again. She was rather tall, her height accentuated by her neatly sculpted hairstyle, and while she wore a somewhat plain and modest dress it did not do sufficiently much to conceal a buxom figure hiding beneath the folds of cloth. What such a young lady in the bloom of health was doing confining herself to servitude inside an empty and almost unfunctioning town hall was beyond me. "Were you in the midst of something, your highness?" "No, I ..." I stammered, only to be cut off once again by that knowing and reminding glare peeking out from behind the door, "Nothing ..." "She's fine, don't worry about her one bit. We were just having a short discussion, and now we're ready to go," declared Aei on my behalf as she sprang out from behind the door, "You are, aren't you, Charlotte?" "Yes, I ..." And that glare again. What did I do this time? Oh ... all right, fine, anything to get out of this charade and on with the rest of the show. Taking in a deep breath and sucking in my stomach, I began afresh, "Indeed, we are ... sufficiently prepared ..." I ... for a lack of a better word, 'proclaimed' ... from behind the couch. This unusual way of operating surely made me wonder who was supposed to be the one of the higher rank here. What is more, Charlotte was not one who would refer to herself as 'we', and the oddness and absurdity of it all was utterly unnerving. What was sickening to the throat, however, was the way Aei responded to my change of expression by transforming her glare into that saccharine smile, and clenching her fist hidden by her side in a sign of victory. "Aei, don't you think it's best that you ..." the lady stuttered, obviously not having encountered such a farcical situation before in her life, "you ... take your leave? We don't want your presence to be a burden to the Princess." "I'm no burden at all!" she replied with that same childish insistence, planting her hands on her hips, "Right, Charlotte?" So that was my cue to chime along. "Certainly ... not a burden in the slightest," I repeated dryly as I advanced from behind the couch, the lady pointing out the path for me, gesturing with her hand. Well, though at times I felt that I really wanted her to leave, the truth is that I needed her assistance and guidance in getting through this ordeal in a foreign land, no matter how twisted and deluded it may, at times, seem, "Let us take our leave, good lady, it would do best not to tarry any longer." "Er ... aye ..." she acknowledged rather timorously, as a gleam of curiosity lit up in her eyes at the sound of that intriguing medieval tone, "Do step this way ..." With a grin of approval from Aei, who kept up behind me, it seemed that my twittering attempt at sounding impressive had taken off after all. And so I followed closely behind the lady, who led us back through the mazelike pandemonium of the town hall. Verily, thou hast truly mastered the commendable feat of speaking profoundly, one which even the greatest of imbeciles Pwyns Xjrmynq himself would be sore pressed to match. To continue thy valiant quest, do peruse the following chapter : 28. Princess, thee enthusiastically en-thou-ed - "You Shall Not Pass! I Am Invincible!" - the nameless Black Knight, shortly after arm-less and leg-less - posted by Charlotte | 3:51 pm
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Disclaimer : The Slayers and Filia Ul Copt and all images thereof are the property of Hajime Kanzaka and Rui Araizumi. I don't own any of them, although if I had a choice I would want Filia ... ~//n_n\\7 |
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